William Corbeil
New member
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2007
- Messages
- 4
Hi this could be a long post or not, my experience can matter to you or not, but I feel the need to share it. I need to rethink of everything in order to give my life a new start. It will start from my young age interests in magic to discovering Spiritual Satanism, meditating, experiences and how it all ended with drugs. Maybe it will help me.
As a kid, I passed days thinking about life, I liked roleplaying and that kind of thing, I wanted to be a wizard. I was very young and I had that thought about how life is unfair, because I felt like my mind was powerful, but not my body, and that in this life we need physical force to be the most powerful, and how I wanted to live in a life where the force of the mind is the prime force.
I also want to mentions that i wasn't baptized, even tho almost EVERYONE got baptized over here(Quebec/Canada), I wasn't, and I always thought about it as a gift from Father.
When I was about 12 I stumbled upon a site about white magick, it instantly got all of my interests, and I actually tried some of their dumbs spells that you need to recite, I remember there was one really disrespectful spell about succubus, I was young and I dont know, the idea of having sex with an evil spirit attracted me. I remember the night I did it, I felt what I would call today the stage where your body energy is expanding and shrinking(I found it strange but funny at that time), I actually felt a succubi(nothing sexual thought), and I remember that I had that thought that somehow that entity was good, the impression never left me. I soon forgot about all of this because we live in a distractions jeworld but it still did raise my interest in the occult alot.
About 2 years ago, I was in a multi-religions class(we learned about all kind of religions), and I thought how all of those are complete bullshit, and I started drawing pentagrams in my note books,(btw I was already smoking weed at that time, but not alot) and when I got home, I went for the computer and searched just for fun about satanism, this is when I found JoS. The little boy in me started waking up again and everything I read seemed so right. About how the magic spells were shit, about how the mind is very very useful and powerful, and about how I knew that the succubi I had encountered wasn't evil.
It didn't take me long to read a lot and then proceed to do my dedication exactly the 5th february 2011, already 2 years in 3 months... Anyway I started the 6 month meditations programm and also stopped smoking weed(and made a promise not again ever), I've never felt so good, meditations+yoga+no drugs= pure bliss. I also read about the succubus, and then I remembered my previous experience, and as soon as I thought of it I felt her presence. I then spent EVERY night, meditating, yoga, and then masturbating and fantatizing about my succubi. My life was so good... I had goals of reaching raising my kundalini as fast as possible, then proceed with the magnum opus, the philosopher stone, godhood, everything was perfect.
So this lead us last year at the beginning of the school, I went to a party and for some reasons couldn't contain myself and smoked. The day after I realized I had broken my promise, my promise to father. Slowly I started smoking more and more weed, I gradually stopped meditating, with that I lost contact with my succubi(since my astral senses were closing), I tried meditating again but probably because of the drugs I lacked motivation(what other reasons since I had done about 1hour or 1hour and an half everyday for a long time)
I smoked more and more, and by the 3/4 of the school year, which is about march last year, it was everyday, almost everynight before going to sleep(I was able to do that because I bought myself a small vaporizer which is odorless, best thing I bought then, shittiest thing now)
And then I tried shrooms, guys, because why not? What can one time do? And then it was ecstasy, because why not? What can one time do?
Weed/hash/speed/morphine/ecstasy/salvia/cocaine
Why not, because what can one time do?
I'll tell you what it does, it destroyed all that I had, now that I think about it, I just want to be what that little me wanted to be, live a life where the mind is the most powerful, I want to meditate again, I want to feel the love and caring of my lover succubi again, I want to feel the satisfaction and bliss I felt from meditations and yoga. I want to have those conversations I had with Raven Lythrum a while ago, those were fun and we could argue about everything for a good time, but maybe she doesnt even remember me, im proud that she got with Brian and where she is spiritually right now.
I would, but I can't.
You know why? Because everytime I force myself to meditate or even fantatize about my succubi(which I did last night), I can't maintain it for a week. Because during the week i'll feel depressed and really demotivated and the weekend I get wasted on drugs so I don't think about it.
But you know what, it's my fault.
It's my fault but I can't bear it.
Times are getting a bit better I guess, Im not smoking anymore at nights and I try not to during the day. And well, I had succeeded in not taking ecstasy for 3 weeks but I screwed it this weekend.
I know i'll be able to stop that eventually and taking weed too for the week. Then maybe I'll be able to meditate everynight.
In 3 months it will be 2 years since I dedicated and...
no progress. I was proud now I'm ashamed.
Do as you wish, marijuana wont do that many harm if you keep it for special occasions and you don't become addicted. As for anything chemicals, forget them.
Well it's over guys, thanks for letting me posting, I really needed that. I wish all of you a good luck for your spiritual path and ss life because it's the best life. And if I don't ever recover spiritually, I'll stand proud and physically fight until I die for our side when the time come.
I love you.
-William
As a kid, I passed days thinking about life, I liked roleplaying and that kind of thing, I wanted to be a wizard. I was very young and I had that thought about how life is unfair, because I felt like my mind was powerful, but not my body, and that in this life we need physical force to be the most powerful, and how I wanted to live in a life where the force of the mind is the prime force.
I also want to mentions that i wasn't baptized, even tho almost EVERYONE got baptized over here(Quebec/Canada), I wasn't, and I always thought about it as a gift from Father.
When I was about 12 I stumbled upon a site about white magick, it instantly got all of my interests, and I actually tried some of their dumbs spells that you need to recite, I remember there was one really disrespectful spell about succubus, I was young and I dont know, the idea of having sex with an evil spirit attracted me. I remember the night I did it, I felt what I would call today the stage where your body energy is expanding and shrinking(I found it strange but funny at that time), I actually felt a succubi(nothing sexual thought), and I remember that I had that thought that somehow that entity was good, the impression never left me. I soon forgot about all of this because we live in a distractions jeworld but it still did raise my interest in the occult alot.
About 2 years ago, I was in a multi-religions class(we learned about all kind of religions), and I thought how all of those are complete bullshit, and I started drawing pentagrams in my note books,(btw I was already smoking weed at that time, but not alot) and when I got home, I went for the computer and searched just for fun about satanism, this is when I found JoS. The little boy in me started waking up again and everything I read seemed so right. About how the magic spells were shit, about how the mind is very very useful and powerful, and about how I knew that the succubi I had encountered wasn't evil.
It didn't take me long to read a lot and then proceed to do my dedication exactly the 5th february 2011, already 2 years in 3 months... Anyway I started the 6 month meditations programm and also stopped smoking weed(and made a promise not again ever), I've never felt so good, meditations+yoga+no drugs= pure bliss. I also read about the succubus, and then I remembered my previous experience, and as soon as I thought of it I felt her presence. I then spent EVERY night, meditating, yoga, and then masturbating and fantatizing about my succubi. My life was so good... I had goals of reaching raising my kundalini as fast as possible, then proceed with the magnum opus, the philosopher stone, godhood, everything was perfect.
So this lead us last year at the beginning of the school, I went to a party and for some reasons couldn't contain myself and smoked. The day after I realized I had broken my promise, my promise to father. Slowly I started smoking more and more weed, I gradually stopped meditating, with that I lost contact with my succubi(since my astral senses were closing), I tried meditating again but probably because of the drugs I lacked motivation(what other reasons since I had done about 1hour or 1hour and an half everyday for a long time)
I smoked more and more, and by the 3/4 of the school year, which is about march last year, it was everyday, almost everynight before going to sleep(I was able to do that because I bought myself a small vaporizer which is odorless, best thing I bought then, shittiest thing now)
And then I tried shrooms, guys, because why not? What can one time do? And then it was ecstasy, because why not? What can one time do?
Weed/hash/speed/morphine/ecstasy/salvia/cocaine
Why not, because what can one time do?
I'll tell you what it does, it destroyed all that I had, now that I think about it, I just want to be what that little me wanted to be, live a life where the mind is the most powerful, I want to meditate again, I want to feel the love and caring of my lover succubi again, I want to feel the satisfaction and bliss I felt from meditations and yoga. I want to have those conversations I had with Raven Lythrum a while ago, those were fun and we could argue about everything for a good time, but maybe she doesnt even remember me, im proud that she got with Brian and where she is spiritually right now.
I would, but I can't.
You know why? Because everytime I force myself to meditate or even fantatize about my succubi(which I did last night), I can't maintain it for a week. Because during the week i'll feel depressed and really demotivated and the weekend I get wasted on drugs so I don't think about it.
But you know what, it's my fault.
It's my fault but I can't bear it.
Times are getting a bit better I guess, Im not smoking anymore at nights and I try not to during the day. And well, I had succeeded in not taking ecstasy for 3 weeks but I screwed it this weekend.
I know i'll be able to stop that eventually and taking weed too for the week. Then maybe I'll be able to meditate everynight.
In 3 months it will be 2 years since I dedicated and...
no progress. I was proud now I'm ashamed.
Do as you wish, marijuana wont do that many harm if you keep it for special occasions and you don't become addicted. As for anything chemicals, forget them.
Well it's over guys, thanks for letting me posting, I really needed that. I wish all of you a good luck for your spiritual path and ss life because it's the best life. And if I don't ever recover spiritually, I'll stand proud and physically fight until I die for our side when the time come.
I love you.
-William
)
