Seeker_of_Light
New member
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2018
- Messages
- 17
Hello family,
This post is sort of similar to a few others I have read, and I am putting into practice some of what was suggested in those. But there are some other things going on that I didn’t see in them. So I thought I would ask here and see if anyone has dealt with this before, and what helped them. It will be long, I apologize.
I’ve always been a pretty nervous person, and run on nervous energy in general, ever since I was a kid. I never really saw it as a problem, I was comfortable with it. But lately I’m starting to seriously worry about my brain.
On Halloween, while reading a text from my now ex-wife, (her cancelling of seeing our kids that evening - she was at dinner with BF’s kids), I suddenly became UNBELIEVABLY angry. Which is very unusual for me. And it was a major over reaction honestly anyway. I just felt something snapped. Suffice it to say, that evening after getting the kids to family, I sleuthed out where she had been living several towns away (strange for me as well, I’m not normally a terrifying lunatic), and drove there and confronted both she and the man she had been living with. Woke them up. Thankfully nothing crazy happened, he was somewhat calm and I calmed down after a few minutes also, especially as I didn’t realize his children were home and woke them up with this. I felt terrible. I had no intentions of harming ANYONE. But still, this REALLY freaked me out.
When I left, I felt so bizarre. Ashamed of what I did, and afraid of what happened to me, that something was wrong and I could have ended up getting killed or hurting someone myself. It’s just not me at all. I was so upset and worried I would lose control or go crazy, that I went to a crisis center and had an evaluation. Again, my kids were with family and safe and knew nothing of it thankfully, so I wanted to seek help just in case. In the evaluation, I was told I was perfectly fine by the professionals there, and that I was not a danger to myself or anyone else. That I had an “amygdala takeover” or something, from high levels of stress due to circumstances, and was referred to a therapist. They explained “fight or flight” and all of that, anxiety. They recommended antidepressants and Buspirone but I declined, I felt fine and what they said seemed to make sense. I have been seeing a therapist but I do not see much in the way of results, other than breathing exercises which we already have provided for us here.
Since then I haven’t really had any rage issues or anything, just short lived small angers about how things have went with this woman the last 12 years. What I HAVE been struggling with, though, is almost as bad.
-Feel like I am freezing all the time, hands and feet turn purple even and feel very cold to the touch. But somehow they are sweaty, every morning very sweaty. Purple and blue. But clammy.
-My body randomly jerks. Not like a constant tremor. But like if you are extremely nervous and you get twitching and jerking movements randomly.
-My head feels hot, and I have crazy chills like you have when you get the flu. Even my dreams are wild like fever dreams. But no fever, not once have I had a fever. Just chills and weakness and fatigue.
-Horrible random moments of brain fog. Where I almost can’t even remember what town I’m in for a second, or how to split a check or the route home. Lasts for a few minutes then I’m fine. One time I took three wrong turns on my way home from restaurant and ended up 30 minutes late to my home that was 30 minutes away…
-Feel mentally exhausted every day. I am either so calm and relaxed that it feels like I took a sedative and can barely keep my eyes open, OR, I am in a state of incredible fear and panic for no reason. My teeth begin chattering, my body starts shaking, I begin pacing. I have had panic attacks before. It feels sort of like those, except it can last all day long. I can work and function still, unlike the panic attacks I’ve had.
-A feeling of desperation, overwhelm, and that I will never get better. That I am a failure for my kids. My parents are aged, my kid’s mother is MIA from their lives at this point, her parents are dead, so it’s just me here for them. And I am TERRIFIED that I am losing it and then they will have no one.
-When I sleep, it feels like a half-sleep for much of the night. Like I am dreaming vividly, but I am aware the entire time that I’m awake still. It is unrefreshing, stressful and I wake up just as tired.
-When I am feeling very cold, I feel a heat coming up my back, mainly the back of my neck. It’s so hot it feels like someone put a hair dryer to my neck. And on my arms too, the forearms.
-Digestion issues, mainly slow digestion and stomach pains
- (Maybe TMI, but maybe related) A few weeks ago, I suddenly had complete erectile dysfunction out of nowhere. Like nothing. Have never had this problem before in my life. Libido also suddenly dropped to zero. Also crazy unusual and weird. Lasted for a week and a half and just as suddenly, back to normal, thankfully. Was so weird.
It’s mainly this overwhelming, trembling FEAR, that comes on for NO REASON. And is almost impossible to calm down from, I start physically shaking and becoming terrified, every thought seems dark as crap, every noise makes me jerk around like a reflex. I had night terrors as a kid, and this same feeling when I would wake up back then. But I never had anything like that since then til recently.
I’ve seen a few doctors since that evening, none of them have helped at all. They just say it’s anxiety and ask me to take meds, which I’ve not. I’ve had anxiety, this feels different. I read an article on Robin Williams, how he had Lewy Body Dementia. And a lot of what I’m experiencing seems to be right in line with what he experienced. I’m in my 30’s and not really much in the way of family history of anything like this. So I imagine it’s fairly unlikely I have Lewy body dementia or something. And my memory is VERY good. But it’s really got me thinking. My mind and life just feels like a giant black cloud. I need to be here and be sane and healthy for my kids.
So I wanted to know, if anyone has had anything like this, and if so, what have you done that has helped it? It seems to be triggered or mainly made worse when I am contacted by kids’ mother, or I randomly think about her with whoever. But often times I feel these things for absolutely no reason at all. An empty head but shaking with fear or anger or chills like I have the flu but I don’t. Here is what I have done so far:
-Lots of Hatha Yoga
-Alternate Nostril Breathing
-Void meditation in the shower
-Cold showers
-More sleep
-Better nutrition
-Less screen time
-Not Googling symptoms
-Taken up running and lifting again
-Got a detailed blood test, which a doctor said didn’t show much except that it seemed I was getting over being sick, something about Thyroid and Testosterone being suppressed by my immune system, one liver enzyme was high, etc.
I’m very thankful to say, after a really horrible night of intense, inexplicable fear and racing thoughts this evening, I performed Valefor’s ritual and asked for help. By the end of the ritual I had calmed down and now I am just exceptionally drained. Like beyond exhausted. I do believe he helped me and I am grateful, I plan to do this for several more days.
Again, sorry for the length of this post. I just really do not want to take SSRI’s or anti-anxiety meds. The doctors haven’t been able to help. The nurse was the best help with the nervous system explanation, but still. I am being tortured by thoughts of dying from some illness or worse yet, losing my brain to disease and not being around for my kids. If it’s just anxiety, and an untrained, neurotic mind, I can try and accept that and work with it. If you think it could be something extremely serious or insidious, I also am thinking the same. Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
This post is sort of similar to a few others I have read, and I am putting into practice some of what was suggested in those. But there are some other things going on that I didn’t see in them. So I thought I would ask here and see if anyone has dealt with this before, and what helped them. It will be long, I apologize.
I’ve always been a pretty nervous person, and run on nervous energy in general, ever since I was a kid. I never really saw it as a problem, I was comfortable with it. But lately I’m starting to seriously worry about my brain.
On Halloween, while reading a text from my now ex-wife, (her cancelling of seeing our kids that evening - she was at dinner with BF’s kids), I suddenly became UNBELIEVABLY angry. Which is very unusual for me. And it was a major over reaction honestly anyway. I just felt something snapped. Suffice it to say, that evening after getting the kids to family, I sleuthed out where she had been living several towns away (strange for me as well, I’m not normally a terrifying lunatic), and drove there and confronted both she and the man she had been living with. Woke them up. Thankfully nothing crazy happened, he was somewhat calm and I calmed down after a few minutes also, especially as I didn’t realize his children were home and woke them up with this. I felt terrible. I had no intentions of harming ANYONE. But still, this REALLY freaked me out.
When I left, I felt so bizarre. Ashamed of what I did, and afraid of what happened to me, that something was wrong and I could have ended up getting killed or hurting someone myself. It’s just not me at all. I was so upset and worried I would lose control or go crazy, that I went to a crisis center and had an evaluation. Again, my kids were with family and safe and knew nothing of it thankfully, so I wanted to seek help just in case. In the evaluation, I was told I was perfectly fine by the professionals there, and that I was not a danger to myself or anyone else. That I had an “amygdala takeover” or something, from high levels of stress due to circumstances, and was referred to a therapist. They explained “fight or flight” and all of that, anxiety. They recommended antidepressants and Buspirone but I declined, I felt fine and what they said seemed to make sense. I have been seeing a therapist but I do not see much in the way of results, other than breathing exercises which we already have provided for us here.
Since then I haven’t really had any rage issues or anything, just short lived small angers about how things have went with this woman the last 12 years. What I HAVE been struggling with, though, is almost as bad.
-Feel like I am freezing all the time, hands and feet turn purple even and feel very cold to the touch. But somehow they are sweaty, every morning very sweaty. Purple and blue. But clammy.
-My body randomly jerks. Not like a constant tremor. But like if you are extremely nervous and you get twitching and jerking movements randomly.
-My head feels hot, and I have crazy chills like you have when you get the flu. Even my dreams are wild like fever dreams. But no fever, not once have I had a fever. Just chills and weakness and fatigue.
-Horrible random moments of brain fog. Where I almost can’t even remember what town I’m in for a second, or how to split a check or the route home. Lasts for a few minutes then I’m fine. One time I took three wrong turns on my way home from restaurant and ended up 30 minutes late to my home that was 30 minutes away…
-Feel mentally exhausted every day. I am either so calm and relaxed that it feels like I took a sedative and can barely keep my eyes open, OR, I am in a state of incredible fear and panic for no reason. My teeth begin chattering, my body starts shaking, I begin pacing. I have had panic attacks before. It feels sort of like those, except it can last all day long. I can work and function still, unlike the panic attacks I’ve had.
-A feeling of desperation, overwhelm, and that I will never get better. That I am a failure for my kids. My parents are aged, my kid’s mother is MIA from their lives at this point, her parents are dead, so it’s just me here for them. And I am TERRIFIED that I am losing it and then they will have no one.
-When I sleep, it feels like a half-sleep for much of the night. Like I am dreaming vividly, but I am aware the entire time that I’m awake still. It is unrefreshing, stressful and I wake up just as tired.
-When I am feeling very cold, I feel a heat coming up my back, mainly the back of my neck. It’s so hot it feels like someone put a hair dryer to my neck. And on my arms too, the forearms.
-Digestion issues, mainly slow digestion and stomach pains
- (Maybe TMI, but maybe related) A few weeks ago, I suddenly had complete erectile dysfunction out of nowhere. Like nothing. Have never had this problem before in my life. Libido also suddenly dropped to zero. Also crazy unusual and weird. Lasted for a week and a half and just as suddenly, back to normal, thankfully. Was so weird.
It’s mainly this overwhelming, trembling FEAR, that comes on for NO REASON. And is almost impossible to calm down from, I start physically shaking and becoming terrified, every thought seems dark as crap, every noise makes me jerk around like a reflex. I had night terrors as a kid, and this same feeling when I would wake up back then. But I never had anything like that since then til recently.
I’ve seen a few doctors since that evening, none of them have helped at all. They just say it’s anxiety and ask me to take meds, which I’ve not. I’ve had anxiety, this feels different. I read an article on Robin Williams, how he had Lewy Body Dementia. And a lot of what I’m experiencing seems to be right in line with what he experienced. I’m in my 30’s and not really much in the way of family history of anything like this. So I imagine it’s fairly unlikely I have Lewy body dementia or something. And my memory is VERY good. But it’s really got me thinking. My mind and life just feels like a giant black cloud. I need to be here and be sane and healthy for my kids.
So I wanted to know, if anyone has had anything like this, and if so, what have you done that has helped it? It seems to be triggered or mainly made worse when I am contacted by kids’ mother, or I randomly think about her with whoever. But often times I feel these things for absolutely no reason at all. An empty head but shaking with fear or anger or chills like I have the flu but I don’t. Here is what I have done so far:
-Lots of Hatha Yoga
-Alternate Nostril Breathing
-Void meditation in the shower
-Cold showers
-More sleep
-Better nutrition
-Less screen time
-Not Googling symptoms
-Taken up running and lifting again
-Got a detailed blood test, which a doctor said didn’t show much except that it seemed I was getting over being sick, something about Thyroid and Testosterone being suppressed by my immune system, one liver enzyme was high, etc.
I’m very thankful to say, after a really horrible night of intense, inexplicable fear and racing thoughts this evening, I performed Valefor’s ritual and asked for help. By the end of the ritual I had calmed down and now I am just exceptionally drained. Like beyond exhausted. I do believe he helped me and I am grateful, I plan to do this for several more days.
Again, sorry for the length of this post. I just really do not want to take SSRI’s or anti-anxiety meds. The doctors haven’t been able to help. The nurse was the best help with the nervous system explanation, but still. I am being tortured by thoughts of dying from some illness or worse yet, losing my brain to disease and not being around for my kids. If it’s just anxiety, and an untrained, neurotic mind, I can try and accept that and work with it. If you think it could be something extremely serious or insidious, I also am thinking the same. Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
