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  • I guess I won't be trying to put an end to my life anymore, I received crazy strong signs that I'm somehow still useful despite my issues. I am never going to immediately understand how something like me can be forgiven.
    Guess I really can't choose the suicide option, fine then. But that doesn't mean I'll be the same ever again walking with those scars of the past to recent events all over me.

    I was just mad that my second college year is totalled, my main goal is totalled again and I'm back in the phase of thinking of what the fuck I'm going to do anymore if I can't kill myself.

    My reputation as some ace is finished.
    Whatever happened, think outside of the box. Will this really gonna permanently effect your life? You know, you can grow out of any problem. Thinking of suicide because of a series of bad events shows your lack of faith in yourself. Without faith in yourself, how you will gonna do anything? How you will gonna reach anything in your next life even? You know if you can solve this situation you will be permanently be gifted with that endurance and knowledge you needed to get over it. It's a part of building yourself.
    This brothers are right, man. I wasted my twenties being a degenerate in more ways then I care to admit openly on this forum, but thankfully I found the Gods when I did. When you’re dedicated to Satan it’s always a case of better to have woken up late than never, and that any pain or upheaval is just the Gods stripping the old skin off your serpent so you can move onward and upward with them again.
    I can't have faith in myself knowing that I have done hideous actions I don't want to specifically say of it will bring up triggers. If you want me to try again then expect me to be really angry for self-redemption. Just like my life depends on it. My academic finals are nearing so what I'm going to do to myself to save it all is going to be colossal just on me.

    I'm sacrificing my sanity just for a certificate and high paying job. I might not be Firefox anymore in the end but something else, kind of deserving for someone who overstepped wanting to be better right? All I can do now is try to accept the consequences and lessen the damage magnitudes on my end with what I have left.
    I have to go offline here for about three years because of serious paperwork and system coding and documentation are upon me as I venture into the 3rd and 4th years of tech college. And then that big new job hunt which I do hope I succeed in, I have serious plans to pull off from there like with that weapons research and development job in the computer science department.

    I have seen enough signs that I am still loved despite all the bullshit I did since a screwed past life and this one now, so this should be a good sign for me. I am going to miss all of you my brothers and sisters under hell's blessings.

    Thank you for letting me grow up under your influence JoS. Thank you for rebuilding me.
    A friend told me when he tried to pull me out of my most darkest times are these words, back when I was in an indecisive rut on what I want to choose for a career: Pick one goal and never let any external factor stop you from reaching it.

    In spiritual contexts, I’ve even had the damn enemy try to get me to stop doing fundamental acts that build up to them. They tried to distract me, make me feel bad about it, make it look ugly and put me in many places but know this, it will be the last time and no longer will those enemy entities sway me away from the right discipline to my success ever again.

    I’ve found my long lost reasons once again. Thank you community of warriors under Satan.
    Lesson learned: Never turn your hobbies into your job. Slap me if this is wrong.
    You are right. In psychology class I learned that if you turn something that you have intrinsic motivation(ex: hobby) for into also something that you are extrinsically(ex: earning money for something that was once a hobby) motivated to do, then it will become only be for extrinsic motivation over time(only motivated to do it for money not out of curiosity or pleasure).
    If you find any past cringe and off posts under my name, I would like you to know that I am past that now and have always been sorry for these times of misconduct. I am busy improving myself from all these self-inflicted ruins upon me even if I know it won't be enough. I hope I do a thousand times better than every bullshit I did.
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Al Jilwah: Chapter IV

"It is my desire that all my followers unite in a bond of unity, lest those who are without prevail against them." - Satan