Trying to get back into satanism but being plagued by doubts and fears. Help

[Virbra]

I made a post a few days ago talking about my trauma my divorce, the terrible things that drove me away from satanism into xianity. The truth about me and I'm being fully honest is this. I've been drawn to satanism and Satan from Early age and I mean childhood I used to ask my very Christan parents, if Satan was good and told them maybe the Bible was wrong, and he was good all along, they would always laugh about it and tell me that's not true they got mad at me for asking those questions and I was read the Bible a lot to prove their point. I do love my parents. So I'm not trying to jab at them they don't know anything better than what they've been taught their entire lives. Moving past that, I was always drawn to the occult. When I first got my own computer at age 12 I was searching info about it. Eventually my searching led me to a Angel Fire website, I can't quite remember the name of the first website I looked at, but it had a lot of stuff and teachings from joy of Satan and referenced it a lot. But there was some things I didn't understand on the website so I decided to see joy of Satan for myself. I was always deeply afraid of my parents finding out so I always cleaned my history. I did the dedication at age 14 in March. It's written in my book. I was doing everything, all those meditations to be in Satan's army I was dedicated but emotional trauma I went through corrupted my mind and thoughts I became afraid of everything I used to do, thinking it was responsible for the pain I was going through I know that's wrong.. But at the time I wasn't myself. I had lot of xian beliefs and fears put in me by my parents and from the books my mom gave me to help me get through my pain. Those fears keep coming out as I try to get back in. I feel afraid like, what if I'm wrong, what if I'm right? Will I go to good hell or the bad xian hell? Am I doing the right thing by going back? I got out of my ex husbands abusive clutches and got my own home to live in. My mom says God blessed me and took me to my new home. I feel what if she's right and I lose all the good things I've got going for me if I go back or what if I'll have bad stuff happen again.. , listen, guys, I'm just a tortured soul currently torn in the middle, afraid of what might happen or what might not happen, I need some guidance I'm trying my best.. But it's really hard I'm really afraid I know that's weakness but it's truly coming from a deep place of pain.. I don't want to ever go through again. It's making this a hard challenge but I'm here I'm trying I talked to Satan he gave me this beautiful feeling but soon after I got afraid and had negative thoughts,
what should I do right now, medications hard when you're having this kind of doubt and worry. Satan is there I felt it but any time I get close negative thoughts pull me away what I need is a guide of what steps a person with my kind of emotional pain needs to go through to heal and to get back in to this. I want to let go and trust fully in this and in Satan I'm just trying to ditch these bad thoughts so I can. I need some positivity. Can you guys tell me good things that have happened to you and positive stories of how you've grown. The last person who replied to my last post gave me hope that I can be forgiven for what I did and move forward so now I am, but I'm being held back and I need to cut off what's holding me back

 

[Sundara]

You do not need to ask or beg for forgiveness, this is christian thinking. It seems that you’ve been plagued by the virus of Christianity and this has programmed your mind with negative habits and thought patterns. The gods are nothing like the Christian god and it’s imperative that you get to know and understand them for who they are in an unbiased objective light. Part of breaking free and joining Hells Army and Satan is liberation of those things. If you feel that you can’t meditate, just remember ANY amount is a good amount. I would not recommend doing meditations from JoyofSatan if you are not dedicated yet, protection from hell is given in the beginning to help you advance without being heavily attacked spiritually.

If you can bring yourself to a trance, or any kind of relaxed state to clear your thoughts... make affirmations to help deprogram Christian thoughts “I am not doubting myself, my will is strong with Satan. I am reprogramming all weak Christian thinking. I have no fear” ect. Stay strong, keep that will HIGH. I understand the rot Christianity brings and the toll it can take on ones mind. I had a friend who joined with me when we were younger, she was raised far more strictly than me with religion and even though she whole heartedly believed and was wonderful, she buckled under familial pressures and religious thought patterns. Fear is Christianities number one control method. When I was a young girl I found myself fearing things I hadn’t even been told to fear just because of what I’d heard about god and Jesus. It’s important to know who you are and where your beliefs lie; and if you know these things in your heart then ignore those other thoughts. And, by the way, rebel if you are still going to church or practicing any religious bullshit. Cut those ties. Pick a path. Stand the fuck up. No wallowing around, you’ve got this love

 

[Virbra]

Thank you for the reply for the past few days I feel like I've been torn in two being dragged between choices my heart divided. But last night I revisited my use of Tarot cards. Now I know they've been tampered with and meaning has been corrupted by the enemy. Etc but this helped me.. I drew the two of swords which fully described my inner turmoil and this choice I needed to make. So for the first time in years I lit some candles. The only ones I have. I dressed in. Black I sat down and spoke to Satan and the gods and I tried to meditate. It's hard because I was being distracted slightly but I feel better and my mind feels a bit cleaner. I'm going to try to get back where I left off all those years ago. And yes I've been dedicated before I dedicated to Satan at 14 years old. that was 12 years ago. I came online to see your reply I was feeling a little bit like no one will reply no one cares I don't deserve Satan's love or any attention from anyone and no one is going to want to help me or give me encouragement. . All these thoughts are false I know but I'm still struggling to fight thoughts like that I'm sure it will start to diminish once I start truly healing. Thank you for your reply and caring about me. I'm the kind of person who needs the company and care of others to help me find my way. Feeling like a family and part of a community who cares means very much to me.

 

[Eric13]

My story is very similar to yours. I was drawn to Satanism from an early age and dedicated when I was 15. Also, didn’t have a personal computer so always had to erase history and hide internet searches.

I got really confused at a point and thought the same things, what if I’m wrong and what if god is real? When you’re so young and trying to understand and come to terms with all this, especially when you’re family, the ones you trust, have been guiding you in the opposite direction it can be confusing and very tough.

Here’s the thing, the enemy will take advantage of your confusion, they will use it to steer you away.

It took me years of struggle and trying to understand before I got on a consistent meditation regime. Let me tell you how long it took me, age 15 I dedicate, didn’t understand any of the meditations until I was 18. Began a program, was still confused and enemy attacks completely clouded my site and terrified me. It wasn’t until I was 24, three years ago, that I finally began a consistent program. All the years in between was confusion and fear.

But here’s the thing, this is how I got past it all. I just buckled down and made myself do it. I made myself do the meditations, even though I was afraid of what I was getting into. I had a heavy xian background. After some time, everything works. Exactly as the jos says. Then as you work on your soul and focus on protection, the xian hangups go away. You must study as well. The fact is, the enemy programs are a lie and not only is a little research enough to disapprove it, but they love to openly admit it’s all bull shit all the time. Countless rabbi quotes mentioning “Oh if the goy knew our real nature, they’d kill us openly”

The evidence is out there. It’s all here on our forums and website. The meditations work, do them constantly and it proves itself. This path is the truth and just as easy as it is to prove the hoax of enemy programs, it’s just as easy to prove the legitimacy of our path. You just have to get on the path and get on the road and you’ll see where it takes you.

It’s hard when you have doubts, but sometimes in life you have to have faith. But the doubts will only iron out if you’re consistent. It’s just something you have to gamble on for a bit until you realize the truth. No other way. We can’t force you to believe anyway. It’s a personal journey. But it is real and we are here for further guidance if you need. You must meditate daily and you’ll feel better.

 

[Virbra]

Thank you so much, what you said is very helpful and I really appreciate it