Part of my life and how I feel.

[UDDTHU]

Hello to all my friends, brothers, and sisters.
I wanted to post this anonymously on Ask.Satan, but for some reason, I ended up choosing to share it on my personal account.

I am a young adult. During my childhood, I never experienced a normal life because of my overly cautious, fearful, and obsessive family.
As a result, I am now very shy, unsocial, introverted, and quiet, with a slight stutter. (Because I was always treated harshly whenever I started talking, and it made me afraid to speak.)
Now that I’ve reached adulthood, I feel like my mind is stuck in childhood. It’s as if the world is entirely new to me, like I’m stepping into it for the first time. Everything in this world feels deeply emotional to me, and I want to embrace it all.

I am a highly emotional person, and almost everything affects me and makes me think deeply. When I encounter sad things, it’s incredibly hard for me to hold back my tears.
My mind works in a way that allows me to deeply understand everything. I can sense other people’s emotions very precisely, sometimes even better than they do themselves. I can even view the world from their perspective and quickly understand their interests.

These two aspects of my personality—my emotional nature and the world’s novelty to me, like that of a newborn child—have created a combination as fierce as a massive, unyielding dragon.

I spend most of my time reflecting on my existence, the existence of this world, and the people in it.
Even though I’m not a social person, a few people are very dear to me, including my family.
I have a very dependent personality and am extremely afraid of being abandoned. I genuinely mean it. My fear of abandonment is terrifying.
I miss the people who are important to me and whom I love deeply, and I cry for them every single day.

I constantly fear that the people I care about don’t love me as much as I love them.

I have a beautiful face and should, in theory, be attractive or likable to some people. (In addition to having a kind and supportive personality.) But nobody wants me.

I just want to be as dear and important to the people I care about as they are to me.
I’ve had a friend for almost a year now, someone I’m very fond of. A few days ago, I met her after a long time.
She was the first person in my life who hugged me. The first person who held my hand while crossing the street.
The first person who cared about me and wanted me to feel comfortable.
This friend is very dear to me, and I love her like my family.
I would do anything to meet her again and hug her. I would do anything to take care of her and make her happy.
But I’m scared. I’m scared that my feelings might seem ridiculous to her.
I’m scared that after expressing my emotions, she might say, “You’re crazy.”

(Don’t misunderstand; I don’t have romantic feelings for my friend. I just see her as more than a close friend, like family.)

We can’t talk much when we’re apart.
I wish our days together were endless, and we could always be by each other’s side.
Every person I’ve ever become attached to has had things more important than me in their life. And they’re right.
The one with no life was me.
The one who didn’t know how to live was me.
The one without a purpose in life was me.
The one with a troubled upbringing was me.
I just love people too much. I have an honest and pure love for the people who matter to me and whom I care about. What’s my sin? Should I suffer because of this? Should I always live in fear of rejection and abandonment? Why, God?

What is love that I don’t have it in my life? What is being loved that I don’t have it? What does it feel like to be loved? What is love, and where does it come from?
I want to cry in front of the people who matter to me and ask them, “Why don’t you love me?”
What did I do wrong that makes you not love me? Am I a bad person? Am I ugly? Do you hate me?
I just want to matter to the person I care about. I want to be her priority.
I don’t know what else to say; my tears won’t stop.
I’m depressed again. I cry every day and night.
All I want is for the person I care about to love me. That’s it.
I wish I could know.

 

[logicalmind]

I think you might try reflecting on the whole situation in the following way.

1. Imagine you have the desired result, i.e., you are loved in a way you describe.
2. Now visualize the whole day with main details for that result. Whole week, month if needed, so you would better understand what would happen.
3. Now put yourself in place of the person whose love you want. And answer honestly to the following question. Would it make you happy to have yourself as a person who loves you?

The way I see it, you allow your emotions to run wild without any closure in some eternal loop.

 

[Ælberiigor]

I have a very dependent personality and am extremely afraid of being abandoned. I genuinely mean it. My fear of abandonment is terrifying.
I miss the people who are important to me and whom I love deeply, and I cry for them every single day.

I constantly fear that the people I care about don’t love me as much as I love them.

It seems to me you are too demanding and others are afraid you suffocate them, or you transmit them your own fears.

I just want to matter to the person I care about. I want to be her priority.

Your priority could be to satisfy/secure her, no ?

I am a young adult. During my childhood, I never experienced a normal life because of my overly cautious, fearful, and obsessive family.

So, due to this education, you are shy, afraid to be alone and insecure.

I spend most of my time reflecting on my existence, the existence of this world, and the people in it.

And you are subject to endless existencial questionning - which are in fact without answer because it's just the intellectualisation or the feeling of insecurity.

I think that if you take care of your own life/business and give what you can without wait in return, people become friendly because you seem reliable, and eventually want you or live creative things with you.
Insecurity is a bit like a fear to die and is due to a weak base chakra. Surely you are very mental and emotional which is not a bad thing but if your are not grounded you become imbalanced and you suffer.

Stupid but grounded people suffer less, but when they meet smart people they feel embarrassed, they realize they are mentally powerless.
Your case is the opposite, you understand more things than you can take it.

Stop to think, do sport, elevate your energy, your negative polarity.

 

[SeguaceDiSatanas]

During my childhood, I never experienced a normal life because of my overly cautious, fearful, and obsessive family.
As a result, I am now very shy, unsocial, introverted, and quiet, with a slight stutter. (Because I was always treated harshly whenever I started talking, and it made me afraid to speak.)

I think it is right that you take some time to adjust your emotional body, this will help you to better live the emotional side that you are experiencing now:

Healing the Emotional Body (for men too, don’t disregard this)

You have your physical body, soul, astral body, mental body, and more. The Emotional Body is the part of the soul that can be damaged when you experience emotional trauma, grief, bereavement, abandonment, and so on. Many people have emotional outbursts, immature reactions, trigger episodes...

ancient-forums.com

Now that I’ve reached adulthood, I feel like my mind is stuck in childhood. It’s as if the world is entirely new to me, like I’m stepping into it for the first time. Everything in this world feels deeply emotional to me, and I want to embrace it all.

You could also opt for a work with URUZ to free yourself from any blockages and obstacles that are preventing you from living your existence to the fullest:

Futhark/Odin

The Three Steps of Witchcraft

I have a very dependent personality and am extremely afraid of being abandoned. I genuinely mean it. My fear of abandonment is terrifying.

Your family is here, the Gods and your Brothers and Sisters have no intention of abandoning you, so why be afraid of abandonment? You will always have this place to call "home". Our People will always be what you are a part of and that can never change: you will NEVER be alone

The Gods will always be watching over you, because they will not leave you abandoned or anything like that, feeling alone, abandoned, excluded and despised is not part of Satanism and has never been about anything that had to do with the Gods.

But I’m scared. I’m scared that my feelings might seem ridiculous to her.

Your feelings are not ridiculous because as humans we live by what we feel. Just because your feelings make you live your life why should they be ridiculous? You are giving importance to this person, so why do you consider it "ridiculous"? Something that does not diminish the other, but exalts them, is not ridiculous.

I just love people too much. I have an honest and pure love for the people who matter to me and whom I care about. What’s my sin? Should I suffer because of this? Should I always live in fear of rejection and abandonment? Why, God?

Love is not wrong if you give it to the right people:

SATANIC LOVE

People In Our Life: Cases To Avoid

Over the years in Spiritual Satanism I have come to understand many things. The man I was before I joined, is nothing compared to who I am today; the Gods and my personal efforts have facilitated so much intense, deep and eternal change, that it's impossible to put in words. As a Spiritual...

ancient-forums.com

What is love that I don’t have it in my life? What is being loved that I don’t have it? What does it feel like to be loved? What is love, and where does it come from?
I want to cry in front of the people who matter to me and ask them, “Why don’t you love me?”
What did I do wrong that makes you not love me? Am I a bad person? Am I ugly? Do you hate me?

You can also attract the right people into your life:

The Aura

 

[Rodulf]

This sounds like my own struggle with autism as a child and adult. I grew up in an autistic vacuum, totally unable to make human connections, immersing myself in a fantasy world. My first foray into adulthood was catastrophically traumatic, I'm still reeling. I have almost no memories of my school years, I just wasn't there. But, I overcame almost all, because I DID NOT QUIT. I learned from every failure and improved.
Something that has really helped me was thinking of my life as an adventure, a hero's quest. And also, maybe you just need a change of location, to start a new, truer life. Sometimes, you're just in the wrong place.
I hope my rambling helps.

 

[sonnenscent]

I'm not shy but I'm also an young adult and I don't have a social life and all the time I think about that. People likes me in the first instance but when they see my the way I express my self the get far from me cause I have a powerful personality and I usually do things that ppl don't do or do in a normal way. I'm disruptive... I suffered so much and I still having problems but I keep fighting the emotional battle and taking out weak ppl from my life. My brothers ans sisters are the best, my satanic family is the best and one day physically I will be with them . All the time the gods are with you whoever you are they look at you and help you to improve yourself.
Just to finish, I did leave the country I born to leave in Europe cause I never felt good in my own country even before I gave my soul to Satan I was totally angry about Jews, the manipulative system we live in and the Christians. I had a christian background and since I was a kid I refused to live like that and I never stay close to ppl with this type of energy, also muslims and ppl that follo abrahamic lines. Sometimes I prefer to stay so far and I also feel alone but we have to believe that the best is coming and I love to spend time of quality with myself, doing exercises, walking on nature, doing meditation to improve your aura for an example of so many that I have.
I want you to understand that you have power brother and you have to improve and use your power to equilibrate you first and the ambient around you.
I did talk about a tiny part of my experiences for you to understand that you are not alone and if you want any help ppl here they will help you.

 

[UDDTHU]

Thank you all my friends. I felt better after reading your comments. I hope I can control the situation. And maybe I will see a therapist in the future.
Hail Lord Satan.

 

[Yagami Light]

Hi Uddthu.
I am a little similar to you in the sense that I started experiencing the world quite late in my life. My parents weren't overprotective, but they did offer me what I needed - and it resulted in me avoiding struggle, avoiding working, etc, because I already had what was enough for me. I was also daydreaming since I was a child, and I spent most of my time in my fantasies than in the real world.

Some things that I have come to understand is that, first of all, meditation can truly help us evolve spiritually, but also mentally. I remember I had started grasping more difficult spiritual concepts the more I focused on meditating. However, social interactions with others and experiencing new things can have a profound effect on our mind - and also our emotional body. We learn how to better control our emotions, we learn what we should and shouldn't say, whom to trust and whom not to trust. We learn to be more careful, cautious - but not to the point of isolation! Personally, I can be very naive with people, but at the same time I keep my heart inside a locked cage and I'm terribly afraid of opening up to others - I'm afraid of being judged, taken advantage of and thrown away. I'm still learning.

One thing that I've learned for sure is that if there's an aspect of our personality that's extreme, then this can be a residue from our past lives. For example, being terrified of loving another person because of a fear of abandonment (it's possible that people had abandoned us in our past lives, and this experience has remained in our souls and subconsciousness). For starters, I would advice you to do daily cleaning of aura and chakras (this is recommended no matter how many years you've been meditating), and at some point do the munka meditation, and use an affirmation suitable for this extreme fear/insecurity of yours.

Using Words of Power - Freeing the Soul

Our past experiences (whether in this or past lifetimes) can also create blockages in our chakras. Doing hatha yoga can help release blocked energy and can help with unblocking and empowering your chakras and soul, as a whole.

Finally, since love is the main thing that exists in your mind, I believe you could speak to Lady Astarte and to perform her Power Ritual: https://josrituals.org/ritual/demon/astarte-power-ritual.html Love is one of the things she rules over, and she may be able to help you better understand it - or to realize the source of your insecurity about your being loved by others. Speak to her, be truthful and open to any signs she may give you. Lady Astarte is a wonderful Goddess, and she has helped me tremendously in many ways. Love is a core concept of who she is (at least, in my realization), and she's always willing to guide and help - if you're also willing to help yourself.

I wish you good luck.