Blackcat44
New member
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2022
- Messages
- 7
Im going to be as quick and simple as possible but this situation is a complicated and long one so PLEASE bear with me.
When i was 16 i dedicated my soul to Satan and started meditating almost immediately. I started hanging out with other Satanists and i was happy with how things were turning out. A few months later my parents decided we would move to the other end of the world, and sent me to an christian orthodox school. I believed I wouldn’t let it affect me, but what I didn’t realise was that i would slowly start giving into loneliness and i became “friends” with a very narcissistic, manipulative person. I had slowly stopped meditating and going on JoS. I never believed in any other God apart from Satan. But i had gotten far from Spiritual Satanism, without realising. And even though my beliefs never deeply changed, i was almost living a life with no spirituality, like an atheist without being one.
A few years later that girl got pregnant, and she wanted me to be the child’s “godmother”. I have absolutely no clue what had gotten over me, but because I wasn’t a christian I believed it wouldn’t be “such a big deal” as I didn’t practice or believe in christianity, so i said yes. I can’t believe i said yes but i did.
Now here comes the part that fills me with disgust. I had no idea what was involved in a christening in detail, because I didn’t really pay attention/care during the ones I attended as a child. I was told i would read something, that’s it. The day comes, and during that circus, one of the things i was asked to repeat was that, and i quote, “renounce [our Father’s name]” (i cant type the exact quote as i feel like im repeating that phrase all over again).
I didn’t realise what i did straight away because “I don’t believe in what i was told to say so it doesn’t matter”. It infuriates me to think about it, but that’s how i felt at the time. Only later, 2-3 years after i fell out with that girl did i realise what i had done. I was filled with dread and panic and it was almost like i snapped out of a dream because of how quickly my emotions changed.
At this point, i could NOT go back to being a practicing Satanist as if nothing had happened. I felt i had to do more than just “go back to before all this”. I know it shouldn’t be repeated, but i felt i HAD to perform the dedication ritual again. And so i did.
How bad did i mess up? How horrible could the consequences of my actions be? Is there no turning back? The guilt I feel is horrendous, how do i make amends? I feel like i betrayed Him to the point of no return. I feel like i did everything wrong.
I know this has been long, and im sorry. I wanted to write this for a long time but my shame and feelings of embarrassment wouldn’t let me.
When i was 16 i dedicated my soul to Satan and started meditating almost immediately. I started hanging out with other Satanists and i was happy with how things were turning out. A few months later my parents decided we would move to the other end of the world, and sent me to an christian orthodox school. I believed I wouldn’t let it affect me, but what I didn’t realise was that i would slowly start giving into loneliness and i became “friends” with a very narcissistic, manipulative person. I had slowly stopped meditating and going on JoS. I never believed in any other God apart from Satan. But i had gotten far from Spiritual Satanism, without realising. And even though my beliefs never deeply changed, i was almost living a life with no spirituality, like an atheist without being one.
A few years later that girl got pregnant, and she wanted me to be the child’s “godmother”. I have absolutely no clue what had gotten over me, but because I wasn’t a christian I believed it wouldn’t be “such a big deal” as I didn’t practice or believe in christianity, so i said yes. I can’t believe i said yes but i did.
Now here comes the part that fills me with disgust. I had no idea what was involved in a christening in detail, because I didn’t really pay attention/care during the ones I attended as a child. I was told i would read something, that’s it. The day comes, and during that circus, one of the things i was asked to repeat was that, and i quote, “renounce [our Father’s name]” (i cant type the exact quote as i feel like im repeating that phrase all over again).
I didn’t realise what i did straight away because “I don’t believe in what i was told to say so it doesn’t matter”. It infuriates me to think about it, but that’s how i felt at the time. Only later, 2-3 years after i fell out with that girl did i realise what i had done. I was filled with dread and panic and it was almost like i snapped out of a dream because of how quickly my emotions changed.
At this point, i could NOT go back to being a practicing Satanist as if nothing had happened. I felt i had to do more than just “go back to before all this”. I know it shouldn’t be repeated, but i felt i HAD to perform the dedication ritual again. And so i did.
How bad did i mess up? How horrible could the consequences of my actions be? Is there no turning back? The guilt I feel is horrendous, how do i make amends? I feel like i betrayed Him to the point of no return. I feel like i did everything wrong.
I know this has been long, and im sorry. I wanted to write this for a long time but my shame and feelings of embarrassment wouldn’t let me.
