MercuryWisdom
Well-known member
I was doing a working today, and someone suddenly opened a door (not of my room) in the house and I suddenly felt terrified for no logical reason, other than it sounded like how my father would open a door, and how my nervous system learned to be hypersensitive to these sounds because it would mean the difference between him yelling at me or leaving me be.
He was a cruel, violent father and later showed up to be unreliable. But he was the father I got, in this roullete of fate.
He often beat me violently as a child and would beat my mother till I can see blood. Often for the silliest reasons.
When I was a kid only few things would bring me comfort. I remember one time I won a CD that had games on it from Coco Pops it was a computer CD. I loved it so much and loved the games there so much that I was curious to try to put the CD on my PS2 and see what happens, then father woke up and saw this then yelled at me, beat me, and shattered the CD that I cared so much about. I don’t know why he did this to a kid, he said because I would’ve ruined the PS2.
Another thing that was so precious to me was a Yoyo, I was often sentimental like that and had deep emotional ties to my objects. One day I made a “bad” joke and as punishment he took my Yoyo and threw it away from our balcony because he knew how much I cared about it.
He would often break me, compare me between other kids, and just I don’t know.
I still remember also how he would beat me senselessly because I picked my nose.
Right now all of this came back. It’s one of my greatest wounds. I keep trying to build myself with myself but he really broke something inside and threw me away.
Sometimes I just wish I had a father, someone I could lean on. I always had to be strong and in survival mode since young age. He’s also no longer in my life.
This left deep shame, emotional and personality and self-esteem scars in me. I think I’m ready to heal but I think I need some help.
Can someone guide me to the workings I can do to heal all this?
I just finished a Sun Square which was amazing and I’m currently doing a Mars square and a money working.
He was a cruel, violent father and later showed up to be unreliable. But he was the father I got, in this roullete of fate.
He often beat me violently as a child and would beat my mother till I can see blood. Often for the silliest reasons.
When I was a kid only few things would bring me comfort. I remember one time I won a CD that had games on it from Coco Pops it was a computer CD. I loved it so much and loved the games there so much that I was curious to try to put the CD on my PS2 and see what happens, then father woke up and saw this then yelled at me, beat me, and shattered the CD that I cared so much about. I don’t know why he did this to a kid, he said because I would’ve ruined the PS2.
Another thing that was so precious to me was a Yoyo, I was often sentimental like that and had deep emotional ties to my objects. One day I made a “bad” joke and as punishment he took my Yoyo and threw it away from our balcony because he knew how much I cared about it.
He would often break me, compare me between other kids, and just I don’t know.
I still remember also how he would beat me senselessly because I picked my nose.
Right now all of this came back. It’s one of my greatest wounds. I keep trying to build myself with myself but he really broke something inside and threw me away.
Sometimes I just wish I had a father, someone I could lean on. I always had to be strong and in survival mode since young age. He’s also no longer in my life.
This left deep shame, emotional and personality and self-esteem scars in me. I think I’m ready to heal but I think I need some help.
Can someone guide me to the workings I can do to heal all this?
I just finished a Sun Square which was amazing and I’m currently doing a Mars square and a money working.
