A Womans Body

Question - did your parents let the doctors perform surgery to remove the less developed genitalia and which genttalia did you have throughout your development or did you have both ?

Only male genitalia as far as I'm aware; my condition is pretty mild in that regard. There is a slight visual abnormality, but it was considered completely harmless and no surgery or even tests were performed. Even when I started growing breasts during puberty, I didn't seek out a doctor for that since I was happy about it, so I didn't even realise I might have an intersex condition until much later.

On a spiritual level, it seems like there might be slightly more to it. When doing things astrally, for example interacting with my partner through a form of telepathy, or by projecting out of my body, it feels as though I have a vagina, and I'm able to feel everything involving it in detail just like physical touch; on the other hand, my physical genitalia always felt kind of hollow somehow energetically. Perhaps this is a form of astral shapeshifting, but I don't actually even how to shapeshift like that. Therefore, I can only assume it's the result of my wish to change accumulating so much energy that it manifested astrally before manifesting in any other ways.

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Okay so for clarification - you have male genitalia and no vagina ,with breasts ? And you're considering removing the Male genitalia with Vaginoplasty ?

Best of luck to you Meteor:)

Only male genitalia as far as I'm aware; my condition is pretty mild in that regard. There is a slight visual abnormality, but it was considered completely harmless and no surgery or even tests were performed. Even when I started growing breasts during puberty, I didn't seek out a doctor for that since I was happy about it, so I didn't even realise I might have an intersex condition until much later.

On a spiritual level, it seems like there might be slightly more to it. When doing things astrally, for example interacting with my partner through a form of telepathy, or by projecting out of my body, it feels as though I have a vagina, and I'm able to feel everything involving it in detail just like physical touch; on the other hand, my physical genitalia always felt kind of hollow somehow energetically. Perhaps this is a form of astral shapeshifting, but I don't actually even how to shapeshift like that. Therefore, I can only assume it's the result of my wish to change accumulating so much energy that it manifested astrally before manifesting in any other ways.

I do intend to have surgery. I've just been doing it astrally anyway with my partner, since I prefer that over the things I can currently do with him physically. At least if I physically change my genitalia, I'll have some use for them, and surgery is the best method available to me for that. I know it's rather taboo, but as long as it makes me happy, that doesn't really bother me, and I believe it will go well.

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Okay so for clarification - you have male genitalia and no vagina ,with breasts ? And you're considering removing the Male genitalia with Vaginoplasty ?

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Yes, that is correct; although the nice thing about vaginoplasty is that it actually repurposes a lot of tissues and nerves, so it feels more like I'm gaining something than like I'm losing something. I suppose for most people it would be a loss, though.

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None of this fits into my worldview and I can't really piece together how any of this makes sense. So I can't comment on this any further. This is being dragged out to the logical end it seems. I hope you find peace in the next life though.

Oftentimes when I go into a trance or even throughout the day my body astrally morphs to that of a womans. I physically feel like I have breasts and a vagina. My facial structure changes to a womans face, though a bit longer than my own and long blonde hair appears. (I have short dark hair)

The feeling is euphoric. It feels so much purer to be in that astral womans body than that or my own, though I dont have gender dysphoria nor do I feel like I would want to be in a womans body.

I just happened one day and the astral changing keeps happeneing. What is it and why?

On one hand it can be symbolic to the way you feel and coming into touch with certain qualities of yourself or it can be your guardian or a Goddess invocation, which can even sort of happen unintentionally. I’m very feminine in every way, and overall very straight, and I’ve never thought twice about relating strongly to males and am in touch with my “masculine side” don’t over think it. It has nothing to do with “gender identity” or dysmorphia.

On an unrelated note, I like the poem in your signature! I'm glad you found people you can trust.

Oh thanks! :)

If gender is in the Soul, then it doesn't seem like I really have one right now.

That's wishful thinking on your part. Your soul does have a gender, but you are confused about it.
I would ask the Gods about surgery if I were you, these aren't things to take lightly, because if you suddenly change your mind after that surgery, then you will be fucked.
Best of luck.

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

Focus on freeing of the soul workings, plentifully. Remove obstacles so you can shine. Also all sorts of cleaning is to be done, the more the better, and purification circle plays a role in this. Aside from cleaning you'd want to unblock and empower chakras through meditation. All the while you master void meditation. The longer you can stay voided, the better.

Once these are on the "master level" your progress with Kundalini should be almost painless, if not completely painless.

I'll take your advice to heart and make a serious effort to continue raising my Kundalini from now on, even if I'm nervous. I'll just ask my Guardian to guide me and make sure I don't make any dangerous mistakes. Based on what you said, I at least have to do it in this lifetime if I want this shit to finally be over. At this point there are numerous imprints in both directions on my Soul, and the result is only meaningless turmoil.

First of all do not be afraid of the process.

Some advice that can help you in your journey.

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You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

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Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

You're right, being afraid would only sabotage the process. I'll use void meditation to let go of my fears.

Cleaning, void meditation and protection have been my primary focus for the past year, as I realised clarity, control and stability are what I need the most if I want to avoid a repeat of what happened last year. But empowerment is something I've been holding back with, as I was afraid of getting overwhelmed and losing control despite my efforts. But looking at it rationally, I should be able to handle it by now, and even if I do start to feel overwhelmed, I can use void meditation to calm down.

I've considered Freeing the Soul workings, but I'm unsure what I'm supposed to free myself of. Since intent is what matters, wouldn't I need to know what obstacle to overcome in order to overcome it successfully? Whenever I notice any obstacle, I just deal with it directly, and whenever I notice an attachment to something negative, I begin to detach from it immediately, programming my aura to block it out. I don't usually see a need to perform a working for such things. Would a working to free myself from "obstacles that prevent the rising of the serpent" work, or is that too generic if I can't imagine what such obstacles might be like?

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Well, I would look at what past life things are hanging on that are unneccessarily holding you back. Could be anything, you should know them. On natal chart it could be debilitated or weakened planets or houses by the influence of Neptune and/or Saturn. Or by some fixed star. All of us have these, more or less.

What you mentioned sounds very generic, but it could still work to a degree. However it's best to target specific issue(s).

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Thank you for your advice. As I thought, it's best to work with something specific in mind. Thanks to your suggestions, I have some ideas now of what issues I can work on freeing myself from.

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*Bows with prayer mudra*

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Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

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None of this is true. The reason why everyone gets born into the same sex is because Sex and Gender is in the Soul. The only reason why someone is born deformed is because they've been heavily traumatized and that trauma through emotional projection is causing epigenetic changes in development of the baby. Meaning some part of the deformities are of the Will to Change of the Trauma.

The race of Human beings do not have functional Hermaphrodite beings and the souls. Any and all Hermaphrodites are Genetically diseased and need to be removed for Eugenics purposes as all the Ancient Religions like Spartans practiced.

There are Two Genders, Two Sexes and everything else is False.

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Both of you stated that you believe I'm wrong to think that I'm both sexes on the Soul level. But as I thought, my intuition regarding that was actually correct.

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The enemy has waged war on both the masculine and feminine, males and females for many years. The more confused and uncertain one is the more easily it is to control and manipulate them. The more one is out of harmony with themselves, the easier it is to be destroyed from the inside out or become lost.

You've said previously that you denied being male because of how people treated you as a child when you expressed as male compared to expressing as female. It sounds like for you success in life equaled becoming female - regardless of anything else. I wouldn't recommend going into surgery or making any critical changes to yourself magically or otherwise involving becoming a woman, until you've delved further into whether being female is indeed what your soul is or if it stems from this childhood trauma and maybe even curses. Settling for feeling you are both sexes on the soul level and deciding to change yourself physically through surgery to become female sounds counter-intuitive, because either way you go, no matter who's right or wrong, either direction is leading to possible issues worse than what you're currently dealing with.

Say it is true that you are both sexes on the soul level, altering your body to become female will result in becoming out of alignment with your soul. If it's true you are female, surgery will result in becoming more aligned, but being wrong, and your soul is actually male, will put you out of alignment. Either way, it's a 33% chance of getting it right without messing yourself up, and that's not including the aftermath of how the surgery goes in your healing process.

Given that you are still trying to explain this to others, talk about it, your thoughts and views and repeating yourself, I'd say your subconscious is trying to tell that you haven't quite gotten the answers your soul is seeking for you to move on and let go and be completely certain of yourself yet. I'd recommend the same as what Henu suggested, if you have some free space Samhain would be great for freeing the soul workings. (Side note: breathing in Aether energy has helped me in sorting through my own energies and anchor myself in a way that's a little different from earth energy whenever I'm doing "what is me?" focused meditations). When this confusion is cleared, then make the next steps that are most appropriate for you, whatever that may be and you'll know with certainty that you'll be ok.

Going further into this obsession without going deeper into yourself than you have already, I can't say I'm not worried because right now after reading through everything you've written, it's more like escapism from the trauma of being male than actually dealing with the issue at hand. Underneath it all, you haven't found a solid answer to the question of "Why me?"/"How did I end up in a body like this?" - This doesn't sound like something that's going to be solved in just a month of comments back and forth attempting to explain something and theorize on a topic that few other than I'd say maybe the HP, and the Gods have the spiritual knowledge to really help you with. We can give our thoughts and advice all day based on limited knowledge about the soul inevitably resulting in probably just more confusion and frustration, and you can keep attempting to explain and give your side of things, but the HP and the Gods would be the people to look to for help on this rather than continuing to push this topic for anyone on both sides of the coin.

What we know is that it's male soul to male body, female soul to female body - and the soul has a masculine half and feminine half (not to be confused with the actual sex of the soul, these are the energies that make it up). But since your body is mixed, this needs more experienced hands to obtain certain facts rather than relying on intuition, the past/astral attempts, and knowledge that doesn't quite help the situation.

Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. To be honest, I was having so much fun overthinking things to the point of absurdity and ranting about it that I couldn't stop myself...

I've always believed that people's gender is their physical sex. So even though I felt like I was supposed to be female since I was little, and this notion was reinforced by negative experiences as a boy in my childhood, I think that surely having been born with a body that is mostly male and living with it has affected who I am even deep down as a person. If I wasn't male before, then I am (to an extent) now, because that is simply (physical) reality. I'm a very literal-minded person, so that's how I think, even if it makes other, easily observable truths, nearly incomprehensible.

It's not like I want to be both sexes. But I do think that I wanted to in my past lives, albeit not both simultaneously, as it was entirely within my nature to try to change my sex regardless of whether I'm male or female, as long as my circumstances are bad enough. It's also in my nature to go as far as to recklessly manipulate the process of reincarnation in an attempt to manifest such things, and be met with unforeseen consequences and side effects somewhere down the road. But I want to get rid of the mentality that I should change to such an extent just to adapt to my circumstances. I understand now that I didn't have it so bad because I was a man or a woman, but because the enemy sought to make all of humanity suffer, and was unfortunately rather successful in that for many centuries.

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I worry because you are still expressing a lot of confusion, yet are moving down a path with a certainty that you want to be a woman. All I can ask is how can you be certain about something irreversible when you are this confused? Surgery and hormones may give you the relief and comfort that you seek physically, but it will not give you answers and it's these unanswerable questions that fuel your confusion, overthinking, and have you running in circles leading nowhere.

If you take the go-ahead when you still are asking for answers to the how's and why's like this, they will stay with you even after surgery and it will be worse. Your body will be closer to how you want it but the questions will remain and haunt your thoughts. Confusion like that after such a choice can drive one into insanity. You need information and data of the spiritual so you can better understand yourself. That's why there's not much point doing the who's right and who's wrong thing, because none of us know the answers truly.

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I do not act on pointless things. I tell you this because I care, and because I see what you are doing to yourself.

It is fine if you do not understand, I do not expect you to understand, in the end it is your decision, I simply see to it that you do not succumb to your own delusion and inner weakness.

I know with absolute certainty you will fail on this path if you go through with your decision.

Take that as you will.

I say that not in an attempt to convince you, but to return to you reason which you have discarded.

Life is greater than to let yourself succumb to such psychological issues, or even to let yourself drown under them.

You make life much too difficult for yourself by allowing this to feel so complicated.

I understand you have great trauma about this, I can see that.

The key here is to overcome that trauma, rather than let it shape you. You have chosen the latter, to let your karmic dross rule over you, this doesn't lead anywhere in life, regardless what it is about.

As a Zevist there are so many ways to solve this, how many have you tried?

You have the most powerful allies who know you better than anyone in the entire Galaxy, yet you disregard everything because you tunnel your vision only on your limited scope of experience, and willfully remain deaf to all the possibilities and answers that exist which would prevent you from suffering from this confusion and pain forever.

Why would one with such opportunity subject themselves to this? Why purposefully limit your destiny, and cut of your path?

You think you are opening a new path for yourself, that this will lead to the answers you seek, or that this is the answer.

I tell you that it is not.

You will achieve a vain happiness, but at the cost of a lifetime of advancement, perhaps longer as the karmic dross would not be removed, but instead only cement itself deeper within you, becoming more difficult to remove.

It may permanently cut you off from your path to the Godhead forever.

You may not understand why I care, or why I tell you this. If your vision was as broad as mine, you'd understand the anguish it brings me to see a Zevist go down a path like that.

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It's kind of funny, actually. I thought I might be harassed here on the forums if people thought of me as female, so I deliberately put on an act for the first few months after I joined to try to come across as male, and only dropped it and revealed what I consider myself to be after I concluded that women are respected here too. But in hindsight, maybe there wasn't a need to put on an act at all, if that's how my Soul looks to the three of you anyway. For some reason, my fiancé thinks I look completely female astrally though, which is also what I feel physically during astral sex. Perhaps people just see what they want to see, or what makes the most sense to them?

That said, I do have to agree that I've also often believed myself to be male, despite my intentions and preferences; even one of the therapists I spoke with was hesitant about diagnosing me, since I seemed to her more like a male that wanted to be female than someone who was naturally that way inside. And going by what I remember, I was male in all of my lives after all, apart from one.

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A note on experiencing orgasm and sex as the opposite gender on the astral. It is entirely possible to experience the opposite genders sexual experiences astrally regardless of soul gender. I speak from experience.

To aid in figuring out a couple of my own personal issues relating to sex and womanhood, I astral projected to my temple and imagined myself as a male form and a female form, and made love to myself from the perspective of the male. This was to provide a safe place for me to overcome some inner sexual trauma's. And indeed, I experienced a male orgasm astrally as if it was a physical experience, and followed by my female orgasm in my physical body.

My soul is female, as is my body. So for you experiencing sex as a woman astrally despite having a male soul, is not a factor that you are meant to be female.

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Even if you try to sabotage me psyschically, it's meaningless. Don't you realise that you're not the only one with abilities, and that I already expected you to do something like this and took measures against it in advance? It's not the first time someone tried to control my mind or brainwash me or do weird things to my Chakras, and I'm not naive or a weakling anymore. I have several ways to deal with precisely this sort of harassment. It's far from the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

That said, I won't underestimate you. I'll take your warning and disengage from this place for some time.

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No one is trying to sabotage you except yourself. We are sensing you using our abilities, not altering you spiritually. That would be a violation. I can’t help but notice that you take a lot of what we say to mean things we do not, and it’s a little frustrating, because then you fling these poor assumptions back in defensive passive aggression that leads you in circles.

You can pretend and put on acts, but you cannot hide what your soul is. You already know you’re male, and your physical body is mostly male despite your intersex and alterations with hormones. So no, you will not be incarnating into a body that is female in future life times no matter what you do to yourself because you are not female. That is something you are going to have to accept lest you want to damn yourself through needlessly pushing this obsession.

You and I are not so different when it comes to obsessions. You hook into something and it’s like candy to a child. You can’t stop no matter the costs because it is like an uncontrollable hunger, a need to see its end. You become blind to all else because all you can see is the perceived result, and it steam rolls into a monster that poisons you from the inside. You think of nothing else, only about devouring it whole as it devours you and your life.

One obsession I had as a teen lead me straight into the arms of a cult. I was a young idiot fuelled by an intense desire I couldn’t let go of, and the cult a deranged bunch of crazies that brought me to the edge of nearly killing myself through brainwashing. It was maddening and I wanted to die, tortured by an entity they attached to me and brainwashed me to accept. If I could fight tooth and nail to kill that thing, and gain control of my own mind and body, heal from my mistakes and damage - you can as well, but you are not fighting. You’re drowning, willingly.

This level of obsession is a sickness that ruins you, and you are doing exactly what it wants.

I know the satisfaction of getting what you want from obsessions. Let me tell you right now, it is a hollow, selfish, bullshit satisfaction that costs more than the outcome its worth. You either work hard to get it under control or your obsessions are going to destroy you from the inside out.

You think you’ll be happy, just like a hippie thinks he’s happy from smoking weed. But your soul is going to continue screaming, breaking from the pain you’re causing yourself. Do you honestly believe the ends justify the means, if it means your soul suffers for life because of a reckless, irrational obsession? You have the opportunity to undo everything you’ve done to yourself and be truly happy inside and out but you’re choosing destructive self gratifying and temporary physical happiness over it. You say you’re aware of it, but you are not changing anything. Admitting to being insane and continuing to stay insane, is like a slave admitting they’re a slave but refusing to fight their enslavers. You’re a slave to your own obsession.

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

I don't want you to tell me the answer because it's none of my business. But ask this question to yourself. Do you have balls, or do you have ovaries? Nobody has both.

And are those balls functional and producing sperm.

You’re afraid to be abandoned and rejected, and I have a suspicion that this fear is fuelling a good portion of your recklessness. Who are you really doing this for? Because if you really wanted to be happy, you would get control of yourself, end your own insanity and make a healthy adult decision to heal properly for yourself without caring if anyone in your life is going to be unhappy that you’re not actually a woman with a woman’s body.

Before I go, I'd like to confirm that your suspicion is correct.

My fiancé thought of me as a woman ever since he met me, and for some reason, nothing I said to him or showed him ever changed his mind. I'm sure that even if he were to fuck me in the ass and stroke my dick, he would just look at my face and my breasts and listen to my voice, and think to himself: "Yep, this person is a woman." That's just how he thinks, for some reason, although I don't understand it personally.

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If you spend the rest of your life pleasing others and running away from the truth in order to avoid what you’re afraid of and avoid being alone, you will drown, and there will be no fixing yourself. There will be no happiness, Godhead or healing for you, and you will manifest exactly what you’re afraid of. You will fall into the abyss, damaged beyond repair, and sink into nothingness while you live the rest of your life trapped permanently in a lie.

There are men who love men, men who love women, and men who love both. Letting yourself be paralysed from poor match ups, settling for men who don’t love men, and using that and your intersex condition to justify choosing to delve deeper into insanity, confusion, and destroy yourself to satisfy their preferences and your out-of-control obsession, is really fucking stupid.

If you can’t face your fears and put your health and advancement before the petty selfish crap of others who clearly are not in communication with the Gods and would rather see you ruin yourself to fulfil their own needs, while you willingly let yourself be ruined out of fear - how can you walk the path of a Zevist when you are behaving and thinking exactly the opposite of one?

What you will gain from this surgery is lies and more lies that you will not come back from. You are a male parading as a “woman” to satisfy someone who doesn’t even love a fundamental part of your being because they are a heterosexual man.

You said once you believed truly that you and your fiancé were perfect for each other, and yet in your own words, they can’t even love who you are because they’d rather love an illusion than you. You choose to continue appeasing someone else’s selfish delusions and inability to own up to what they truly want and need instead of pulling yourself up, facing your own fears, and advancing properly. How insane are you to continue willingly allowing someone you care about to live in and satisfy their delusions at your expense? This isn’t some simple negotiation to find a balance between personal differences, this is full on body alteration to be something you are not and can’t be no matter how many times you choose knives and stitches over basic reality, harm yourself on a soul level, for someone else’s lies and your own.

The irony that you want somewhere to finally belong and not cover up any part of yourself, when you are rejecting truth, rejecting yourself, and running away from the one place that can give you that without forcing you to conform to delusions through unhealthy body alteration and madness. You don’t belong somewhere by twisting your arms, breaking your legs, and cutting off your head to squeeze into a mould that doesn’t fit.

This level of stupid is not becoming of an advancing Zevism, and one doesn’t need to be a long-timer to recognise that. It’s little to wonder working on void meditation all year isn’t helping you. You should know better by now than to actively feed lies and self destruction. You are aware of it completely, and you do nothing.

I’m not sugar coating this because frankly, you need a hard push back into reality. You are an idiot and behaving as a slave. It is your fucking body, soul and well being that you’re about to destroy for a life of lies.

I have work and Ritual’s to focus on today, so this is my last comment to you because I’ve lost my patience with this merry-go-round. If you’re participating, think about what that really actually means. To choose truth over lies, knowledge over ignorance, freedom over fear, and advancement over temporary morphine. You can fight the enemies and drive your hateful blade into them with all your passion but you won't fight back against your own self created monsters and fears that you allow to bind you and devour you alive.

The price of not fighting back is not worth paying no matter how much morphine you take to convince yourself otherwise. Nothing is more painful than a lie, it only feels “good and right” to be consumed by them because of the morphine making you unable to feel how corroded you have become from them, and eventually it corrodes you to the point of no return that the morphine can’t even hide it anymore. The lies bleed into your life until you’re left choking on them, gasping for breath, and you fall unendingly into that abyss. There is no excuse or justification to damage ones body, soul, and self for deluded happiness.

That is where you are heading if you don’t stop yourself and get this nonsense under control.

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If you knew that this course you are heading would destroy you and do devastating damage, would you still follow your desires?