I read in joy of Satan that it is impossible to kill oneself without Satan's permission. Now I want to read other rules, I lost the place, please help me by suggesting a link

First of all, I apologize for my English usage. I started four years ago. I gave my soul and confirmed it with my blood oath. But when I start meditation, I feel different pains, what should I do? And also I feel a certain feeling, for example, the feeling of isolation, the feeling of hating...