I felt like misfortune after misfortune kept stacking on me yesterday and today.

And it reach to a certain point where I couldn't handle it anymore.

It made me feel down and rethought of my current undesirable life.

It seems that no matter what I do, I always fail in it.

No matter how much effort I give in to things that will steer me to the path I want to be in,

Failure seems to accelerate and no progress show at all or it just regress instead.

This just makes me even sadder, feel incompetent, and a lost cause.

...


Just now, I finished FRTR, meditation, and yoga for the night.

And during FRTR,

I suddenly had an emotional burst.

I had tears pouring that I couldn't suppress and made it harder to continue my night session.

I had a thought whether to skip or not but decided to push through it.

And during the entire session,

I had many thoughts running.

One was I felt like I had fallen so low to the point that joining Joy of Satan felt like it was more of a coping mechanism instead.

Back then,

I was an Atheist and the past few years,

I felt like my intellect was declining fast despite still being a teenager.

I got so desperate to the point I've discovered about magick and the alike.

I started to question my sanity and thought of myself too desperate.

I then eventually discovered Joy of Satan.

And now I'm thinking of the same thought.

Nearing the end of my night session,

I thought,

Maybe I should quit....

Maybe I should accept that I'm just average...

Maybe I should accept that I can't change my current life and follow the herd instead...

....

Right now, my thoughts have calmed down.

I'll still continue doing the rituals, meditations, and yoga

But I'm now questioning my faith in all this and think of myself as a crazy person who's too desperate.

Desperate to attain great wealth and intellect.

You bring up many issues, but I think the biggest one you need to address is your attitude and mentality. You cannot change your life for the better by focusing on how bad it is. You get the exact opposite, or rather you get exactly what you focus on, but clearly not the actual result you're after.

By focusing on the bad, even if you try to better it, your focus is still drawn to something of a lower nature, and energy goes where the focus is.

Envision your life how you want it to be. Exactly as you want it to be. Leave out the bad and pay it no mind. I don't mean quit credit card payments or mortgage by pretending it doesn't exist. Just don't spend your time focusing on how you can't make the next payment for example.

Ask yourself a question: what can you do right now to make your life better? And then do what you come up with, even if it's an action so small as to just do a stretch. Keep asking yourself that, eventually you will
build a routine with everything you need to do which wil make your life better, and you will be happier.

Cronia said:

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You feel like you are failing, yet you successfully completed your spiritual work. If this alone does not make you feel successful, then you can at least recognize it as the framework for future success.

Perhaps you are undergoing a harsh transit, even amplifying past karma or other current energy in your soul. No, your desires are not crazy. Yet, sometimes people attach negative feelings to them. We can see this in the case of Saturn placements, where you feel like you have to try really hard at something to succeed, whether it is romance, career, intellect, etc.

I know you know this, but what we do is not "magic" or miraculous. We are on the forefront of a new era with our application of spiritual knowledge, but this is not anymore magical than using a new computer or other new technology. In other words, there is no leaving JoS and the astral realm. You can give up, sure, but you will be subject to spiritual consequences whether you do the right thing and keep meditating, or whether you give up and suffer negativity, as a result.

In regards to wealth or intellect, it is really a matter of just cleaning any negative karma from these concepts, then applying positive energy. For intellect, this means looking at your natal Mercury and applying Dagaz or Mannaz, for example.

You are much closer to achieving these desires than you may think, but you also cannot give up, nor doubt yourself or your working. You already finished your work despite your emotions, so I would say this was actually a success on your part. Other people may have had worse reactions.

Powerofjustice said:

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You're right... I've been focusing too much on the result. Despite working towards my goal, I've always looked for immediate results and most of them result to failure. It is as expected when working towards a goal.

I guess I'm just too focused on the failure and not actually learning from not.

This time, I'll try to focus on the process and not the results. Take notes of failures and what I can do to avoid them in the future.

Thanks for the advice Powerofjustice!

Aquarius said:

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Right! I've always had a routine but never thought about it at a birds eye view... Eventually, all the small steps I take will paint a picture.

Thanks you Aquarius for the advice!

Blitzkreig [JG said:

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Cronia said:

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Right... I did take a look at my astrology chart and my Saturn is at the 8th house together with Sun. It also happens to be a stellium. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

Tried to looked it up on YouTube and said it to bring bad luck or something.

I still don't quite understand my chart but from what I've currently learned from Azazel's astrology and outside sources, it seems my chart is a mess?

I'm been doing some of the spell with intellect for almost 40 days now and recently started with the money spell. Maybe I'm overdoing it?

"You are much closer to achieving these desires than you may think.."

You're probably right, I never took notice of the small improvements that I've made throughout my journey. I mostly disregard them. Maybe I should start appreciating them more and it would probably help with me doubting myself..

Thanks for the advice Blitzkreig!