AskSatanOperator
Well-known member
Hello, satanic family. I apologize for the long post.
I generally am not outwardly emotional or expressive, in fact I can't really tell if I'm repressed, apathetic or just plain numb and dumb most times and neither can others, probably. But I think my nature is to be sensitive and wishy washy, and I have a need to be social, it just stays buried within, until I void or something then it might float up a bit and go away when I come back to my senses.
But now and then I get overwhelming emotional responses(pretty much always negative ones like sadness, depression, anxiety, vitriol towards myself) and it completely chokes me up. I can't talk or sometimes I can't even breathe, my eyes get watery and I get a lump in my throat, my voice is strained and I can't sleep or focus because of obsessive/racing thoughts and lingering emotions.
Sometimes this is triggered by shit that most people probably wouldn't have half as much of a response to, or even think about(but it's less to do with the event itself and more about how it relates to what's already inside me, I think). And my thinking turns catastrophic, and even paranoid in the case of anxiety.
And I end up hating myself for being so overcome by emotions and not being able to stay in control of myself. And I hate myself for being someone who would have to feel what I feel, and not even be able to express it, and for being so weak as to be bothered by these things and not even be able to push against it.
I feel like hurting myself to experience release, and because I deserve it somehow. I don't have any outlet or support and if I did I wouldn't be able to make myself understood, which makes matters worse.
My moon has aspects to sun, mars, jupiter, saturn and uranus, and my mercury is also aspected by all the outer planets. I basically have no water, fire or earth. Other relevant features of my chart are also afflicted.
I'm the worst meditator but I know I need it. What should I do? Could there a deeper reason why I'm like this?
Thanks for reading.
I generally am not outwardly emotional or expressive, in fact I can't really tell if I'm repressed, apathetic or just plain numb and dumb most times and neither can others, probably. But I think my nature is to be sensitive and wishy washy, and I have a need to be social, it just stays buried within, until I void or something then it might float up a bit and go away when I come back to my senses.
But now and then I get overwhelming emotional responses(pretty much always negative ones like sadness, depression, anxiety, vitriol towards myself) and it completely chokes me up. I can't talk or sometimes I can't even breathe, my eyes get watery and I get a lump in my throat, my voice is strained and I can't sleep or focus because of obsessive/racing thoughts and lingering emotions.
Sometimes this is triggered by shit that most people probably wouldn't have half as much of a response to, or even think about(but it's less to do with the event itself and more about how it relates to what's already inside me, I think). And my thinking turns catastrophic, and even paranoid in the case of anxiety.
And I end up hating myself for being so overcome by emotions and not being able to stay in control of myself. And I hate myself for being someone who would have to feel what I feel, and not even be able to express it, and for being so weak as to be bothered by these things and not even be able to push against it.
I feel like hurting myself to experience release, and because I deserve it somehow. I don't have any outlet or support and if I did I wouldn't be able to make myself understood, which makes matters worse.
My moon has aspects to sun, mars, jupiter, saturn and uranus, and my mercury is also aspected by all the outer planets. I basically have no water, fire or earth. Other relevant features of my chart are also afflicted.
I'm the worst meditator but I know I need it. What should I do? Could there a deeper reason why I'm like this?
Thanks for reading.
