I’m tired of running from myself. All the problems I refuse to face, all the excuses I make to not look myself in the eye. Do I truly have a good reason to not get better? To shrug it all off and continue marching to nowhere? To keep ignoring myself, drowning myself, shutting out the pain and pretending it’s not there? I’m the only one getting hurt by this, but I act like I don’t even matter. I act like the pain isn’t there, like I’m fine. I’m not. Everyone knows I’m not fine, and I know it better than anyone. Why pretend? Just let it out. Shout. Show my scarred ugly face on the inside that I’m so afraid of to the world, and let its mutated, oxygen deprived pores breathe for the first time. Just do it. What is there to even lose anymore? What is there to gain from hiding? Stop pretending I’m fine and just pay attention to myself, make myself matter, GIVE MYSELF IMPORTANCE. Nobody else is going to do it for me, nobody else is going to trigger my existence. They’re all hurting too, and they need to do the same. But why not me, why not now? Why wait for them to do it first when I can do it right now? I’m tired of running away from myself. I want to start running to myself. It’s time to look myself in the eyes, and face me.

This is a reminder to myself too.

jrvan said:

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Aquarius said:

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Well I love you guys, so there is that.

Yes it is easier to turn compassion outward than in, especially in cases of severe trauma or whatever. It is like during a war scenario, where everyone's stress goes through the roof and the focus is on the survival of the group. Then afterwards you have to deal with the PTSD.

It is also important to not get carried away with the Instagram mindset of thinking everyone else is happy and you are not.

In terms of how to deal with this on spiritual level, you will likely have to strip a lot of negative karma with Munka and Ansuz.
Berkano is best for emotional comfort and calm, but Wunjo deals with everything social, emotional, and mood related.

jrvan said:

I’m tired of running from myself. All the problems I refuse to face, all the excuses I make to not look myself in the eye. Do I truly have a good reason to not get better? To shrug it all off and continue marching to nowhere? To keep ignoring myself, drowning myself, shutting out the pain and pretending it’s not there? I’m the only one getting hurt by this, but I act like I don’t even matter. I act like the pain isn’t there, like I’m fine. I’m not. Everyone knows I’m not fine, and I know it better than anyone. Why pretend? Just let it out. Shout. Show my scarred ugly face on the inside that I’m so afraid of to the world, and let its mutated, oxygen deprived pores breathe for the first time. Just do it. What is there to even lose anymore? What is there to gain from hiding? Stop pretending I’m fine and just pay attention to myself, make myself matter, GIVE MYSELF IMPORTANCE. Nobody else is going to do it for me, nobody else is going to trigger my existence. They’re all hurting too, and they need to do the same. But why not me, why not now? Why wait for them to do it first when I can do it right now? I’m tired of running away from myself. I want to start running to myself. It’s time to look myself in the eyes, and face me.

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You are very important and hold value more than you realize, brother.

Sometimes on this path we can take longer to get to a goalpost that we set for ourselves. Sometimes we get discouraged.

Sometimes when we are confronted with ourselves, we are overwhelmed and feel unable to proceed. But you can and you will.

Sometimes we hit mountains of obstacles so great, we do not understand how we may ever overcome them.

But keep moving forward as here in the House of Satan, you are valued and you are one of many satanists here I respect.

Because of your resilience in the face of hard obstacles and crushing adversity. You SHALL overcome what is troubling you and holding you back, that you describe. You SHALL succeed!

Your mind and soul will be like tempered steel in time. You may even look back at these moments with pride at how far you have come!

Reprogram your mind gradually to view yourself in a better light, as you are able to with trance states and stay positive.

It doesn't matter how slow or fast you move on this satanic journey. The most important thing to understand is do not stop the practices under any circumstances.

Stay consistent in your meditations as the dross emerges and seperates from you, and you will be fine.

The Gods can see us clearly, and in my honest opinion, as small or big as i might be, Satan and the Powers of Hell indeed want you here among your brothers and sisters, and they shall cheer you on to the doors of success!

We are here in a bond of Unity, under the Great Satan to bring forth his Holy Aeon on Earth!

YOU ARE GOING TO SUCCEED, HAVE NO DOUBTS!

Blitzkreig [JG said:

" post_id=406262 time=1671052828 user_id=21286]

jrvan said:

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Aquarius said:

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Well I love you guys, so there is that.

Yes it is easier to turn compassion outward than in, especially in cases of severe trauma or whatever. It is like during a war scenario, where everyone's stress goes through the roof and the focus is on the survival of the group. Then afterwards you have to deal with the PTSD.

It is also important to not get carried away with the Instagram mindset of thinking everyone else is happy and you are not.

In terms of how to deal with this on spiritual level, you will likely have to strip a lot of negative karma with Munka and Ansuz.
Berkano is best for emotional comfort and calm, but Wunjo deals with everything social, emotional, and mood related.

Click to expand...

And I love you and Jrvan too, although me and Jrvan had some run ins I hold no grudge towards him, only love for a Brother who is advancing in the path.

Love is a word that is very easy to say, and very hard to mean. There are very few people in this world that I trust this word from, Tabby being one of them. I don't even trust it from my parents - in fact, especially not from my parents.

As an example, I can say or tell myself all day every day that I love the Gods, but I haven't connected or bonded with very many of them. What I feel towards the Gods more than anything, if I'm being honest with myself, is gratitude. Sheer gratitude. Also trust and commitment towards them. I don't know if it's truly love I'm currently capable of feeling towards them, and perhaps my consciousness isn't at a level yet where I'm able to process and experience such a deep notion towards beings from another world. I admire anyone who says they love the Gods and is able to love them truly and have it be true. That kind of devotion, if it's really love they experience, is impressive and beautiful to me. I'm still exploring what it means to do so. I don't want to lie to myself or the Gods though when I say I love them. I want to know it's true in my heart when I say it, and right now I think my "love" is likely shallow, and goes as far as gratitude to them for what they do for me and humanity and for not giving up on us. That's the level I'm at right now I think.

So I don't throw around the word "love" carelessly. I don't say it unless I'm convinced that I mean it. If those saying they love me really love me then I'm thankful, and I don't really know what else to say about it right now. Hopefully my heart will grow.

Can't tell ya how many times I've said the words "I'm fine" only to be punched in the gut later with the consequences of not addressing what was underneath. It's never worth it. Facing the truth of ourselves isn't easy, but all those who are brave know truth. And that's when things get easier.

It's never easy to say "I have no balls", but every once in a while you have to face yourself, and come out better. Problems are surprisingly pretty much the same for most people, its just some let theirs grow out of control by not addressing them, turning into monsters that look insurmountable, but really aren't. I still have to remind myself to face problems as they come up and not let them fester.

There is a saying that goes something like "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I guarantee you would take yours back and run", I think it's very true.