Short-tempered, violent dad for 12-13 years of my life, while having childhood ADHD, getting bullied at primary school from 2nd grade(8 years old), to the end of primary school (9th grade; 16 years old). Depression, bad depression, suicidal thoughts, few close-call suicide attempts(Almost succeeded, never really had the will to. If i had committed, it would have been by accident), parents knew, didnt care(Thought of it as "just a big temper-tantrum"). Horrific 9 year long anxiety/panic attacks. Without the count of 1 extremely good and close one for a few years, NO friends whatsoever in life(Am 23 by Mays end). Aspergers syndrome. Slow motor development.

Its a wonder im still ALIVE, let alone have the will to do anything. The only thing that i have picked up from all these years, is rational and analytical thinking. The ONLY thing that can get me to advance myself, would be to get something that motivates me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY: Good, close friends, love interest(NOT my soul mate), something physical that appreciates me developing, keeping me motivated. I HAVE the long-term goal/s, but i MUST also have day-to-day motivations as well. Before that happens, i WILL NOT advance a day. And NO, i AM like a car without fuel(That day-to-day motivation) right now. I wont start going forward without it...

Artanis it appears you have had a very difficult life. But you are strong and you clearly haven't capitulated as a person. You also tried to make things better.

Certain things such as lacking social skills or going out, or having circles, can contribute to great loneliness. This cannot be fixed with meditation alone. Most life problems require you to tend on them with what will solve them.

Meditation can give you inner strength and the Gods can give you inner guidance, but you must adhere to what needs to be done to improve a situation. Magick works but it doesn't work in the way that it's claimed like automatically doing anything for someone.

You are being too hard on yourself, you must have self confidence and understand that with having went through a lot, you still managed to find the courage to go on. That shows there is inner strength present. To manifest a better life, you need to start looking into what you can do to improve it.

For example, if you lack friends, join a book club or wherever you can find them. To get certain things you might need to walk out of your shell, and learn new skills. This is not about Spiritual Satanism this is about living life. Finding a hobby or things that interest you and keep you going, is something you also need to do. This is done by experimenting. Workings can help, but life has to be lived too.

This was mostly just a "me-thing", that i needed to get out of my chest, to "justify" in some way, why i haven't been an SS these last 7 years at all, apart from doing RTR's with little to no power(since i don't meditate or improve my energies and my soul or focus on the RTR's at all). To tell my family of SS what i need to do "in seclusion" before i can Truly join them. Like a Jedi walking his/her own path before he/she can Truly become One him/herself.

I am still an SS at heart, spirit and soul. Now i just need to find the right "ingredients" to get my mind to be as well, so that i can Truly be one.

Before that, i am Truly trapped on that 1st day. living it over and over and over again.

HAIL SATAN!!

Yeah, definitely get yourself a hobby and social circle around it. It was what helped me to get out of a deep hole so I know it's a method that works.

Artanis said:

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Artanis, you're a very strong person, and when it comes to RtRs, you set the bar so high for us all.
We, in the JoS, love you and admire your strength.
It goes without saying that the Gods feel the same about you!

Many of us here completely understand what you're feeling and have experienced a very similar life. We all unfortunately are living in a very dark time for humanity. Despite all technological advancements and all different aspects of life getting improved by it, yet it seems the most important aspects are only getting worse (this is temporarily), like basic human relationships, whether with family members or with non-related people. This is mainly because of social media and smartphones.

Humans are meant to live life, not stare at a screen for 18 hours a day. Just like HPHC qnd Henu recommend, I also recommend getting a hobby that involves other people. I personally recommend sports. I'm sure there are many sport clubs where you live.
If you're not vaxxed, then you could perhaps pursue sports that are done outside until jewrona restrictions get lifted (some European countries have lifted them recently and some others are currently considering it). Until then, you could maybe take cycling as a hobby? You can travel around with a road bike to nearby villages while enjoying the scenery on the way and make it back the same day!

As for ADHD and other mental illness, I wouldn't take these diagnoses as an absolute truth. These days such diagnoses are thrown around pretty liberally.

I think you should lift your chin up and be proud of yourself!

If he decides to take road cycling as a hobby, I could be his ride buddy since we live in the same country if I recall correctly, but something tells me that sports might not be his first option. Regardless, any kind of hobby that best suits his personality is recommended. Whatever it might be.

I want to see the Artanis that did millions of Rtrs a day, not the shadow of his past self

Spiritual Satanism is natural and improving your life still counts as advancing. You had a hard life and you did pretty well, so I would say you advanced. Many people lack rational thinking. Just think how you can improve your life and let yourself fail again, suffer again and learn again. Great things will come when you will not care if you fail. And remember that one's life is small comparing with his existence

Artanis said:

Short-tempered, violent dad for 12-13 years of my life, while having childhood ADHD, getting bullied at primary school from 2nd grade(8 years old), to the end of primary school (9th grade; 16 years old). Depression, bad depression, suicidal thoughts, few close-call suicide attempts(Almost succeeded, never really had the will to. If i had committed, it would have been by accident), parents knew, didnt care(Thought of it as "just a big temper-tantrum"). Horrific 9 year long anxiety/panic attacks. Without the count of 1 extremely good and close one for a few years, NO friends whatsoever in life(Am 23 by Mays end). Aspergers syndrome. Slow motor development.

Its a wonder im still ALIVE, let alone have the will to do anything. The only thing that i have picked up from all these years, is rational and analytical thinking. The ONLY thing that can get me to advance myself, would be to get something that motivates me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY: Good, close friends, love interest(NOT my soul mate), something physical that appreciates me developing, keeping me motivated. I HAVE the long-term goal/s, but i MUST also have day-to-day motivations as well. Before that happens, i WILL NOT advance a day. And NO, i AM like a car without fuel(That day-to-day motivation) right now. I wont start going forward without it...

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ADHD = You have a powerful soul and need to meditate and do yoga to control the excess energy. RTRs are a good outlet too.

Aspergers = You ask questions and criticize things that don't make sense, which is why the jews call it a disorder.

For day-to-day motivation, have you tried setting small goals? Like open your third eye enough to see faint outlines, then colors, then full auras. Or getting into a deep trance, then wiggling your astral body, then full astral projection. By making the goals small enough, then you can achieve things on a day-to-day basis. You could also try building a strong relationship with your guardian demon, who is physical and real and appreciates you developing.

"To focus on 1 thing"...
Ive always had a strong mind. A powerful imagination. Ive focused my mind many many many times on how a True Spiritual Satanist acts, thinks, lives.
Imagined hypothetical social events, where i know every word for every situation, have confidence to say anything, do anything...

Is there a meditation/s specific to get things from your mind to manifest in reality, that i could work on?

Artanis said:

"To focus on 1 thing"...
Ive always had a strong mind. A powerful imagination. Ive focused my mind many many many times on how a True Spiritual Satanist acts, thinks, lives.
Imagined hypothetical social events, where i know every word for every situation, have confidence to say anything, do anything...

Is there a meditation/s specific to get things from your mind to manifest in reality, that i could work on?

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Visualization practice, notably. The solar chakra rules your ability to impress your will, so use either Sowilo on a Leo date, or do a Sun Square, like the one coming up. General practice as well will train your ability to manifest things. The other lower chakras are also related, as are the directing energy meditations.

Visualization practice actually trains both imagination and impressing will. It is the act of holding the object for an extended period that trains the will in manifestation.

Artanis said:

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A violent father figure and anxiety/ADHD suggest Saturn issues. Depression suggests Sun issues (not counting the pain from a specific event), as does having low energy (also check your Mars).

Slow motor development relates to your Mercury, but could be the result of low vitality during development periods. Aspergers could come from both your Mercury or your Moon or Venus. Not sure exactly.

Focusing on the lower chakras will give you discipline and energy. For example, using Sowilo and Nauthiz for productivity. Read here: https://www.ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?p=327648#p327648

Unfortunately, there is a lot of work required here, so you cannot wait first for people to arrive into your life. You must first push yourself to start working, and then people will gravitate towards you. This is especially the case if you have prior karma pertaining to relationships with people, which also needs to be removed.

However, you can still use Mercury/Ehwaz to attract friends and Gebo/Venus for love. Mars/Uruz, maybe Thurisaz for sex (not 100% sure on runes). You have to make an effort outside for these people to easily manifest, however.

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On an immediate basis, make sure of elemental balancing with ether breaths + affirmation to help your energy and anxiety. Also, do fire breathing for energy, plus yang yoga like the Tibetan 5 Rites or Kundalini Yoga.

Make use of both short-term and long-term solutions for full success here.

As far as not having friends or anything, you cannot take this seriously at all. This is because we are living in a digital clown world, where everyone is addicted to a phone or whatever. There are many people without physical friends; you cannot take that to heart at all, especially given your hard life.

Good luck!