I think I may have accidentally gotten myself whipped into near insanity by Kundalini energy. It's just that I had so much outside interference to deal with I couldn't tell what was causing what, thus I ended up in a state of depression and confusion where I just lashed out at all perceived causes of the pain using black magick. All of those people deserved it and it did ease the agony but the root of the problem still hasn't been solved.

Firstly, there's what I refer to as the Neptunian fantasy world. Daydreams assault me and strangely enough a lot of the time are either prophetic or explain to me what it is I need to deal with if I want to go forward with my spiritual advancement. I ignored it initially because I thought it was of the enemy, which was wrong of me. Some of these daydreams are negative though, seeming to be used by something, probably Saturn or a self-created thoughtform, to draw energy from me. When it happens to me there's a drag on my shoulder chakras, heart chakra, left temple chakra and throat chakra which fills me with a more dirty energy and leaves my joints tense.

Generally if I give into the daydreams I end up drained to the extreme and it gets so bad I have trouble moving around physically. I believe this is because of Saturn in Aries and my hard Saturn/Mars opposition, which my psychic intuition relays to me in daydream form but because of Neptune scrambling my thoughts it all goes to shit very often. Put more concisely, I think I interpret the energies of the planets and the effect on my life through these daydreams as well as my intuition in general. Anyway, I have problems going into void meditation these days whereas before I could will myself into a deep trance very easily. This is because the daydream attacks have combined with a phobia of mine which has resulted in a form of spiritual PTSD. Everytime I close my eyes I imagine things that make it hard for me to meditate as I would like to, which puts me in a bit of a catch 22 situation since I need to meditate deeply to solve the problem.

More positively, my "inner voice" or whatever the fuck this thing is has helped me get rid of some very nasty fetishes that had been activated when my MUNKA working hit something hidden within my subconscious. I never acted on them to be very clear, I just had a very gross internet history for a while. Thankfully, these things now disgust me as they should. There's still the fascination with gore that I need to solve but I'm almost entirely sure that's Pluto related and I feel like what will end up happening is those energies become sublimated for the purpose of black magick.

I'm just not sure any of this is due to enemy manipulation anymore. It seems more likely that the energies of the planets and my own spiritual epiphanies through lashings of the kundalini and workings to free the soul are to blame. What I would really like a second or third opinion on would be the daydream and phobia related stuff that I mentioned though.

Oh and I should mention that there may or may not be a kike mage that has access to my natal chart, due to no fault of my own. Lol.

Ground yourself. You said you can't void meditate even, there are breathing exercises that will physically force the void state. Don't make rash decisions when your energies are wild and unreliable (like the curses you did). When raising your energies, you are empowering everything that's inside you at the time, so you have to be able to control it as well, and be grounded enough to know how to make rational decisions. Focus on cleaning, grounding and void meditation for a while, or keep raising and stick through it to get the hard part over with sooner. Your choice, be ready for the consequences (emotional, spiritual) if you go forward with the second path, and try to be rational enough to make the correct decision.
This might be funny to say, but with how many induced paranoia/psychosis states I've had due to nightmares and the enemy fucking with me, you develop a certain tolerance and know how to make it go away faster/not work. With mental images like you describe, sometimes it's good to focus on a simple task that distracts you from everything else. Case in point, waking up paranoid at 3:30am, I just played CS:GO until the sun rose and then went to sleep. Brain completely dispersed the paranoia state away, it couldn't do that if I just stayed in bed and focused on my paranoid thoughts/terrible visualizations I was seeing.

throwaway88 said:

Ground yourself. You said you can't void meditate even, there are breathing exercises that will physically force the void state. Don't make rash decisions when your energies are wild and unreliable (like the curses you did). When raising your energies, you are empowering everything that's inside you at the time, so you have to be able to control it as well, and be grounded enough to know how to make rational decisions. Focus on cleaning, grounding and void meditation for a while, or keep raising and stick through it to get the hard part over with sooner. Your choice, be ready for the consequences (emotional, spiritual) if you go forward with the second path, and try to be rational enough to make the correct decision.
This might be funny to say, but with how many induced paranoia/psychosis states I've had due to nightmares and the enemy fucking with me, you develop a certain tolerance and know how to make it go away faster/not work. With mental images like you describe, sometimes it's good to focus on a simple task that distracts you from everything else. Case in point, waking up paranoid at 3:30am, I just played CS:GO until the sun rose and then went to sleep. Brain completely dispersed the paranoia state away, it couldn't do that if I just stayed in bed and focused on my paranoid thoughts/terrible visualizations I was seeing.

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Waking up paranoid feeling like I'm being watched while my upper chakras are going crazy is probably too much of a norm for me also. I was also afflicted with sleep paralysis for a while but that's something that can no longer be done to me. You're right though, I do need to work on grounding myself. Going back isn't an option so I suppose I'm just going to have to stop being a bitch about my awakened phobias, no matter how vivid it may all seem.