I am posting on here for the first time hoping to find a community and share my experience with others who share my same beliefs.
I found the Joy of Satan website a decade ago when I was a teenager, just researching LaVey at the time but unable to really connect with anything. I grew up in a baptist Christian household my entire life (
) and once I realized it was all bullshit, I had a really hard time believing in anything. This led to existential depression, constant anxiety about my life lacking meaning, not to mention the years of abuse/trauma I endured in the church. Not only was did I suffer sexual abuse from a member of the church, but I was vilified for it and slut shamed ( I was 12 ) that experience haunted me and damaged me so much, at the time I had no idea how I would ever be myself again, even though I had no real identity outside of the church. I thought, if this is the “all loving god” people talk about I don’t want him to love me. I got absolutely nothing from that experience except trauma and eventually self hatred. I feel absolutely fortunate that it is all in the past now.
As I began to read the JoS website, a lot of things started clicking for me. Especially once I realized how the church uses and abuses at their lowest points and brainwashes them into complete mindless zombies. That’s what I felt like. I had started to believe everything they had told me I was, down to it being my own fault. As I began to read more, I realized.. this is what they do. They break you down and then all you are is another robot, until you believe that there is no way out or any life without jezuz
I felt this connection to Satan my entire life, but was simply too afraid because of what the church had made me believe. I recall getting sent to Jesus camp because I would draw pentagrams on my school books. They sent me up to the mountains in mexico, in the middle of nowhere to try and break me down some more. Didn’t work. I felt like I had no strength but I couldn’t let them win. Not again.
It took a couple of months but upon my return, i decided to try and have a conversation with him. I sat on my bed and cried, asking him to please send me a sign. While attempting to speak to him, I entered a trance, and I just kept asking him to please help me. I eventually fell asleep and dreamt of a beautiful angel emerging from the fire carrying me in his arms. The flames burned high but couldn’t hurt us, and his light shone so bright on me It was like we were both glowing, not the fire. When I woke, I knew that I needed to commit and dedicate myself to Satan. I knew that was the sign I asked for. I began to read the website again and I felt like I had finally made the first step towards the truth. I remember when I pricked my finger to sign my name, I felt this immediate rush of warmth in my chest. It had been years since I felt anything remotely close to comfort. that night I fell asleep and felt so much peace come over me. No nightmares. No thoughts about the trauma and shit that had happened, just peace and the understanding that I would be in control of the narrative now. I knew as a teenager it would be hard to do rituals and celebrations, but I didn’t worry about it because I for some reason knew that He had my back.
Ever since then I have been in many crazy situations and met many people who could have hurt me, but alas could not. Nothing has ever damaged me. My self confidence as I have grown to know Him has made me blossom into the person I could only ever dream of being as a child. Every time I’ve needed help, He has assisted me or given me the tools so that I can help myself. I’m no longer waiting for life to happen to me, WE have made it happen and so many things I’ve accomplished in the decade we have been together. It all makes sense to me. It disappoints me to know that people still don’t see the bigger picture. I haven’t been perfect and everyday I attempt to educate myself more in hopes of one day spreading the word and educating others. HP Maxine has been so influential to me as well, her work is so selfless and truly an act of bravery, especially since xtians can be so vindictive and attack anyone who disagrees with them. I look back on my life and don’t wish to change anything as it has brought me to Satan, and now here to this community, although we do not share the same experience, the idea and truth is the same. Ave Satanas. My true Savior.
