Understanding irrational feelings: ambition or delusion?

[Meteor]

I apologise for writing such a long story, but this topic has been on my mind for the past decade, and I was wondering if anyone has any feedback.

There's something I've wanted for a few lifetimes now, and this time I'm closer to achieving it than ever. But the various reasons for wanting it that I've had throughout those lifetimes and in this one always seemed rather impulsive and irrational to me, so I keep wondering if what I'm doing is right. So then last year I thought, maybe if I overcome every single one of those reasons in different ways, I'll stop being so irrational. And so in one year, although it was hectic, I grew dramatically as a person, overcame many issues I've struggled with my whole life, and began to feel much better about many things.

Each time I overcame something, I felt like the status quo was great for like a month or so and figured I had no reason to want something so silly anymore. But that feeling always faded, and then it's like what I initially wanted came back with a vengeance, except now without reason. Just an inexplicable, intense need to progress further towards my goal, without any clear reason as to why. In the end, I can only assume that the other issues I had were actually unrelated all along, and I had conflated them in an attempt to rationalise my desires.

In the end, the only reason that remains is the same as the original reason I had a few centuries ago. So great, I do have a reason after all, right? Except any sane person who struggled with something similar would say, "well it can't be helped, I'll just come to terms with it and move on." No normal person would consider "solving" it the way I decided to.
So does that make me insane then? But I'm perfectly sane, I just happen to want this one thing and I'm doing whatever I realistically can to accomplish it. Even if the end of the path isn't in sight yet, I know how I can make progress towards it in various ways. Whether I can achieve my goal completely or not, what I can do is keep making progress and getting closer to it forever, and then perhaps someday there will be no difference anymore I will have accomplished my goal. My approach doesn't seem flawed to me, so does that mean I'm sane then?

To strive towards something most people consider impossible, is that ambition or delusion? Whenever I do the invocation and ask Satan to deliver me from all past error and delusion, I wonder: is my ambition a delusion, or is my delusion that I feel the need to worry about it so much? Am I "too far gone" to be delivered from my delusional wish, or have I "gone so far" that my wish may become reality because of my efforts?

Should I take the Gods' kindness towards me as a sign that my goal is an acceptable one? I've found more and more happiness the more I've progressed towards my goal despite the difficulty I've faced, does that mean that I'm going in the right direction? Or is there no such thing as a "right" direction here, and is it up to me to decide what I do and follow through on it, and face the consequences of my decision, whatever it may be?

I know at heart that I never want to go back to the way things were. I feel with conviction that I'm doing the right thing, and that I will stop at nothing. Sometimes when I ask a question in my mind, I hear a reply that seems to come from my subconscious mind. When I ask, "am I still sane", I hear "yes, of course you are." When I ask what I should do from here on, it is completely clear to me.

What this proves is that within my feelings, there is no doubt or hesitation left. And yet, my rational mind cannot comprehend my own actions or feelings. What can I do to remedy this? How can I accept the extent I've gone to for a wish that started on a whim? I cannot comprehend it, and yet at this point I also cannot accept anything but committing myself fully to achieving my goal.
Will such a conflict between my rational and intuitive mind simply resolve itself over time as I advance more?

[Henu the Great]

Ah, an interesting problem. I wish I could help you, but for me it's pretty clear cut. Just work your ass off and the fruits of the labor will show as a result.

Maybe there are methods to "sync" both the rational and irrational mind better, maybe it's "just" meditation. I dunno, but 8 fold path is the one thing that makes sense for me and that's what I'm going to do without any fancy talk about it.

Basically putting the work in and collecting the paycheck, but on a soul level.

[Meteor]

Ah, an interesting problem. I wish I could help you, but for me it's pretty clear cut. Just work your ass off and the fruits of the labor will show as a result.

Maybe there are methods to "sync" both the rational and irrational mind better, maybe it's "just" meditation. I dunno, but 8 fold path is the one thing that makes sense for me and that's what I'm going to do without any fancy talk about it.

Basically putting the work in and collecting the paycheck, but on a soul level.

Maybe it really is that simple. If I want it so much, then I should just do it, and give it my all! I was just overthinking it. Satan even said that people should follow the dictates of their own nature. I don't have to comprehend my nature yet to do that.

I feel encouraged now, thank you!

[NinRick]

I think you are insane.. however, only when you doubt your path and actions. Who cares whether or not this is „irrational“ or „delusional“. Your soul desired it for eons, so you do not really care about whether or not it is rational or not, because this is something way deeper.
Hasn’t it become something simpler, like an instinct?
Just like a bird flys for the first time, and a fish swims, you want to accomplish this goal.. each and every live time.. no matter what, or how long it takes and how slim the chances are.. I think this is wonderful!

This is a part of you already, it bestows you strength. Be happy for having such a unfathomable desire, other people freeze in their tracks, as they have no desire, you are the opposite.

Don’t become a half-assed person. Don’t neglect your dreams, as you would neglect yourself.
Stay original, stay true to yourself!
Do really want to let all your effort go to waste? The effort of so many life times? Of your very essence?

HAHA don’t make laugh!

Relatively recently I also have found my goal: to become a Demon of Satan!
If anyone would tell me that this is impossible, I would tell them „fuck you, I‘ll show you!“
I am of Satan already, All I need to do is to become stronger now, simple isn’t it?
Once I reached it, I will kneel down in front of Satan, raise my arms and tell him that I was always of him, and that this shall be now forever and for all eternities. I‘ll pledge my eternal, true and unconditional loyalty towards him and only him. After all, this is the only way to survive, so in the end, it is something very natural, because it ensures your own eternal survival.

I have no idea about your goal, but I wish you good luck! Don’t doubt yourself!

[Meteor]

I think you are insane.. however, only when you doubt your path and actions. Who cares whether or not this is „irrational“ or „delusional“. Your soul desired it for eons, so you do not really care about whether or not it is rational or not, because this is something way deeper.
Hasn’t it become something simpler, like an instinct?
Just like a bird flys for the first time, and a fish swims, you want to accomplish this goal.. each and every live time.. no matter what, or how long it takes and how slim the chances are.. I think this is wonderful!

This is a part of you already, it bestows you strength. Be happy for having such a unfathomable desire, other people freeze in their tracks, as they have no desire, you are the opposite.

Don’t become a half-assed person. Don’t neglect your dreams, as you would neglect yourself.
Stay original, stay true to yourself!
Do really want to let all your effort go to waste? The effort of so many life times? Of your very essence?

HAHA don’t make laugh!

Relatively recently I also have found my goal: to become a Demon of Satan!
If anyone would tell me that this is impossible, I would tell them „fuck you, I‘ll show you!“
I am of Satan already, All I need to do is to become stronger now, simple isn’t it?
Once I reached it, I will kneel down in front of Satan, raise my arms and tell him that I was always of him, and that this shall be now forever and for all eternities. I‘ll pledge my eternal, true and unconditional loyalty towards him and only him. After all, this is the only way to survive, so in the end, it is something very natural, because it ensures your own eternal survival.

I have no idea about your goal, but I wish you good luck! Don’t doubt yourself!

I never thought about it in such a positive way before.

I started this on a whim. I knew not what lies after death, but I knew that if there was something, I wanted to make sure I would succeed then. So I used magick to make sure that someday, somehow, I would accomplish it by my own hands. That was all I could do at the time, so I did it.

Remembering that made me think that it was not always a part of my essence; I simply chose to make it. I did not think it through in the slightest, as I didn't have the time to; I just wanted to. But just now I remembered why: "because I'll be happier that way in the long run."

That makes me think that perhaps I've been thinking about it all wrong. I thought that if I could find happiness in a normal way, then that's the most logical thing to do since it's easier. So I wondered if maybe I'm supposed to "overcome" everything I've built up until now, and live a normal life.
But that's impossible for me. Absolutely impossible. This is everything to me. But feeling that way made me wonder if I was weak for giving in to such an irrational impulse. It made me wonder if there was something wrong with me.
But remembering those words, I can't deny them. No matter how I look at it, the happiness I will have if I accomplish my goal is much greater in so many ways. Is that a valid reason to strive even for something so difficult then?

It's my instinct to always strive for what I believe is ideal. And considering what I'm like as a person, I know it was only a matter of time until I made this wish. For better or worse, this was bound to happen from the moment I came into existence. Then, does that mean the decision I made back then is actually true to myself?

Whatever it may have started as, it doesn't matter anymore. What I know is that it's an important part of me now. I want nothing more than the ideal reality I chose, and will see it through. Even in this life, I've already taken precautions to make sure it'll be easier for me to succeed in the next life, just in case I don't in this one. But I'm not going to stop there.

What you're saying is that I am not stubborn or foolish, but just very perserverant in making my wish come true.
My feelings did not need the encouragement as they already knew, and are pretty much yelling "I told you so!" at my rational mind. But thanks to your words, my rational mind is slowly starting to understand it a bit as well.
So, thank you very much. I greatly appreciate your encouraging words. I think you're right, and I'll do my best to remember it.

Hearing your ambition made me think that if I still haven't accomplished mine by the time I achieve the Godhead, I'll be pissed... at myself for not working harder. So I won't doubt myself, and I'll give it my all! And I wish you good luck as well, friend!