94n wrote:Any updates? Did your spell work?
I'm curious how this turned out
Certain things happened and I chose to not do this after a lot of meditation and thinking. There were certain things that were driving me to do this, but these were motivated by an inner weakness. I was actually set on doing this no matter what but something happened and I came back here to check something. Then I read that VOE post again and again for some reason. I was asking guidance from the Gods in that period and I thought something was clouding my judgment. The more I detached from the feelings and thought about it,the more I realized I was motivated to do this for all the wrong reasons. I might laugh looking at my earlier posts considering it is funny now, but it was a very sensitive situation. I might have destroyed this womans loving relationship with her bf without knowing or caring to know much about the real her. I would have then dumped her when I realized after spending time with her that the persona I had cast upon her was not, her. It was an illusion, a mental image I was unconsciousy trying to paint her over with things I was driven to seek through traumatic childhood experiences with my mother, which was the sole reference for all of my relationships with the opposite sex. It was unconsciously embedded deep in my subconscious and those experiences with my mother and the corresponding feelings that had subsequently determined my self worth and the reasons for my drive for companionship were becoming increasingly clear to me as I was working with the necronomicon rune of GIBIL. Suddenly this woman wasn't so important to me and the 'love' which was nothing more than a little boy trying to possess humans as toys to try to fill a hole in his heart ,became clear.
I understand now that this process of peeling off limitations, emotional bindings and wrong driving frames of the mind can take years to even recognize. I was lucky and I actually thank that woman for triggering this self discovery. It was pretty hardcore and I couldn't do things for the month after because I was so caught up with dealing with the emotional feelings that were erupting, which had previously been suppressed since childhood. It had been building upon itself and I was unable to recognize it for myself even though I know about this process from my studies before. However after I had accepted and let go of my emotions and my previous self, it was suddenly liberating to see and think about things in a different light. Regardless it's been many months since that I haven't and will not try to seduce that woman ever again.
I didn't update here because it's my personal business. However a lot of people might learn from this situation. What happens is as a child when you have experiences, you elicit strong feelings and as a child who is more in touch with the unconscious you tend to plaster those feelings and experiences in the deep parts of your identity (because the identity is formed till puberty) and the frames through which a child interprets the subsequent experiences and his drives to seek out similar experiences. Sometimes there might be traumatic experiences that set really bad frames and really destructive behaviors inside of you. Then you are surprised when you don't care about other people and try to take everything you want with those same frames. You can't help it because your behavior is limited to thinking and feeling within that frame. Until you keep thinking and feeling the same way, without realizing and recognizing why you feel this way, you are bound to repeat the same kind of experiences again and again. Meditation and knowing Thyself is important so that it can free you from your inner limiters and you can finally think freely without the unfortunate strong emotions guiding your actions. Once I realized all this, I realized I didn't actually need or really want this woman nor did I want to break her away from her bf to make her mine. It was a kind of mental delusion that was motivated from unconscious self destructive desires nourished by strong emotions that were guiding me to do these things. Once I accepted and recognized it, they started erupting and I let go of all the emotions I had been keeping bottled up. I cried a lot and it was very much required, as men we are taught not to cry and I believed that too. Once all of the emotional energy that was blocked was released (it took weeks) ,the frame and the guiding drives collapsed because they had no support. It was thus time to think and discover what I really wanted and this girl and breaking up her relationship was not that.
I don't feel shy talking about this or embarrassed because I've already let of that part of myself and now talking about this is like talking about a person of the past long gone. Its because the feelings and thinking motivated by those feelings as that person are gone. My mother and father didn't pay much attention to me in my childhood and both have them do not have any kind of emotional connection with me. They never tried to accept me for who I was or want to know, who I was. Everything was transactional in nature. And as a little child I was severely stripped of any kind of emotional love. In that situation as a child I was driven to gain the love of my mother for myself which never happened. I was driven thus, in all of my adult relationships to gain a woman so that she could nourish me with the love that was due from my mother since childhood. I had both mommy issues and daddy issues in the very literal sense of the word. There was a hole in my heart that I was trying to fill will woman I was encountering. However my expectations were failing because a woman is your lover and not your mother. This made me turn detest those women, because they were not the way I unconsciously wanted them to be I.e, one who nourishes me with the love that was due me. But I had another serious problem that was clouding my judgment and preventing me from recognizing this pattern of behavior . The more distanced person even than my mother,was my father. I simply do not know who this man living in our house is. We have never in my life talked about anything 'real',bonded or shared any emotional experience. He was mostly completely absent in my earlier part of my life and never taught me anything about how to be a man. I mostly did everything I could to make my mother happy so that she would love me. These were always physical things, like going to bed early, doing good in school, bringing accolades so that she could brag to the other wives how much better her son was than the others. Whenever she heard someone praise me, she pampered me (for physical achievements) and I was driven to achieve more physical achievements and praise which would trigger more attention from my mother. More me more achievements = more attention from my mother. I didn't ever do anything that my mother didn't like because I was scared of her judgment. I wanted to be exactly as she wanted to me because I wanted her love. Maybe if I do this ,she would love me. But that never happened.
My father started getting somewhat involved with me when I was nearing the end of middle school. He wanted to influence my career choice and he wanted me to become something that he wanted me to become. Till then I was doing everything my mother wanted and my persona was based on satisfying her. Now that my father started giving me some attention, I wanted to please him because he had finally been interested in me. I didn't even know what I wanted to do in life because I was never used to thinking for myself. However I started noticing the constant arguments and emotional mayhem that was my house which had been completely oblivious to me (because I was aligned with one parent only.) It's somewhat depressing to talk about, but my father doesn't deserve to be a father. Idk why he gave birth to us, but he simply does not GAF about anyone other than the voice that's coming inside of him. He doesn't care about anything other than himself, he doesn't feel anything other what his fragile ego let's him feel. I started noticing this behavior of him ,and I don't know why this was a kind of behavior I started emulating. It was an escape from the judgment of my mother and my desire to please her and constantly failing. If I was narcissistic and I thought only about myself, then I wouldn't have to care about what other people thought about me, which means I wouldn't need to feel the need to please my mother. In this period I started leaving religion and really revolting against the world. I started thinking for myself (or what I thought I was doing. ) I didn't label or realize what was happening till now until recently.
But the original need for love didn't go away. Even if I consciously detested my mother after recognizing her behavior, I was unconsciously driven to want her love. And now I had also a behavior of narcissism and not giving a fuck about anyone other than myself. I used to think narcissism was some kind of Jewish nonsense till now .
So now you have an adult who is still inherently a child with narcissism who thinks only about himself therefore he can't feel or doesn't care about feeling or respecting other people's emotions, with an unconscious drive to seek female validation. And you can understand what happened. Everything was simply going haywire. Nothing was working, I was constantly unhappy, I was becoming more and more narcissistic with each passing day. It got to the point where I couldn't comprehend something if it wasn't in relation to me. It was pretty hardcore . Through a brutal awakening from that girl, I eventually started meditating on my life and labeling and piecing everything that had happened so far. In my deep meditations, memories that were suppressed came up ,emotions erupted and feelings overwhelmed me. I had to accept and let go of all these. It was like a kind of ghost that was possessing me had left me. My throat which was burdened left free and I could finally breathe fully.
And now since all of the fake and wrong frames are removed, and I have no true reference for what I'm supposed to do. I'm navigating the world figuring out what I like and dont like and what I want to do. And I thank that woman although I do not think about her much.