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Off My Chest (Vent)

vintageheart

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
6
I strongly recommend you don’t read if you don’t like vents. There is no pressure to reply whatsoever I just need somewhere to get my feelings off my chest.

My life has been utterly horrible lately. With quarantine in place, I feel like all of my humanity has been taken from me. Over quarantine, I graduated from high school, missed the prom I was supposed to have, and am now stuck at home taking college everyday. I have nobody to talk to anymore whatsoever, I lost all of my friends and can’t make anymore. I need to get a driver’s license and I know this is entirely on me/my fault but I can’t motivate myself to whatsoever. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. My room has become a disaster, I can barely be productive, and I have become addicted to video games when in the past I’d play them moderately. It’s a miserable existence. I used to go on walks everyday and I’m still dieting, but I stopped walks for awhile because my depression just consistently worsens and the pain is unbearable.

Over quarantine I have developed a severe case of body dysmorphia and have engaged in self harm. I’m slightly overweight for my height and age. I’m not fat, but my thighs are a little too thick and I have a small belly. My weight and body type bother me a very great deal even if my dad and others say it’s not that bad when I confront them about my feelings. I’m very self conscious and thankfully I have been dieting (even if I have cheated on occasions like my birthday, holidays, etc.), but I feel like I’ll never get anywhere. I always feel like I don’t even look human and like my worth is defined by my thinness; it’s especially bad as a woman society expects you to be beautiful 24/7 or else you’re worth nothing. On one occasion I posted a picture of myself on instagram and somebody made fun of my body. I felt horrible and took it down. I cried a lot and self harmed that night. I want to love myself or fix the problem or both but I just feel so worthless. What that person commented really deeply bothered me because, to me, it’s proving my insecurities true if somebody else can see it too. I’m 180 pounds and 5’7; about 35 pounds overweight or so, I think. My goal is to be 140 but I can barely motivate myself to work for it because I feel such a deep worthlessness.

I feel like my life has become so soulless, nothing excites me, nothing makes me happy, I’ve become such a numb version of myself, and I have lost all of my faith in the world. All over a fake virus and some Hebrew communist propaganda. I hate it all so much. All I even do is sit in a house anymore. I know it’s my fault because I can get my license any time but I have become so depressed and lazy. I just want to stop being so lazy because, before all of this started, I was so organized and hardworking. I was very happy with myself and life in general. Now I feel like I have nothing to live for and like all hope is gone.
 
I truly sympathize with you, this situation is horrible. Been reading a lot of this online, so many are collapsing mentally from this. You got to hold strong and find new incentives with life. Create new business and other goals right now if you can. Try to be a little flexible.

Try also to do the right thing for yourself, as many of these things are only going to make an already bad situation, worse. In the beginning you may see no changes, but as you go, you will see big changes. In the beginning nobody sees any major changes. Don't let this discourage you.

Do not be so obsessively concerned over how you look solely based on this. Love and companionship can happen, how one looks does not matter. Concern yourself less with what some people who want to put you down on Instagram or wherever tell you. The more you seek validation from Social media, the more your sense of self will hang from a thread. Do not destroy yourself or your health for the standards of Instagram strangers.

Start meditating daily and stay focused as much as you can.
 
Social media is a cancer, especially for us young adults, you should ditch them.
If I may suggest something, don't do big jumps, do little things that will make you feel better overtime.
For example do your bed instantly when you wake up, and maybe do some little yoga, like literally just bend and relax in there. You could clean your room, a clean environment will make you feel better, don't worry about videogames, your in a bad mood, if you want to play them less find other nice things to do, maybe you could buy some little plants? You will water them daily and see them grow nice and healthy.
See a nice movie, something fun, like maybe dumb and dumber, if you like more romantic/funny movies another one I like is "About time" I won't spoiler it, you gotta watch it.
Also, open your heart to Father Satan, tell him your feelings and worries, I'm pretty sure he is waiting for you to do it. :)
 
vintageheart said:
I need to get a driver’s license and I know this is entirely on me/my fault but I can’t motivate myself to whatsoever.
Do you have everything required to get a license? After years I am finally getting mine next week. All I have to do is show up and take the test though it may different for you.

I’m not fat, but my thighs are a little too thick and I have a small belly. My weight and body type bother me a very great deal even if my dad and others say it’s not that bad when I confront them about my feelings.
This isn’t a bad thing. Some guys like myself prefer thicker thighs, though I’m not sure what a “small belly” means. Also ignore Jewish media publications that promote the super skinny supermodel body type. I can promise most guys don’t like that body type and it’s just propaganda to give women body dysphoria like you experience.

Many guys will act like they are sticklers when it comes to what types of women they are attracted to but at the end of the day we will f**k just about anything. There is a man out there for you.

On one occasion I posted a picture of myself on instagram and somebody made fun of my body. I felt horrible and took it down. I cried a lot and self harmed that night. I want to love myself or fix the problem or both but I just feel so worthless. What that person commented really deeply bothered me because, to me, it’s proving my insecurities true if somebody else can see it too.
I will ask, was it a male or female that made these comments? Society likes to pretend it’s the opposite but girls are very cruel to each other and suffer from the crabs in a bucket mentality.
 
When I've been at the lowest times in my life Satan and the gods have always been there. When my world came crashing down Satan told me "You have to be strong now." Be strong for yourself because you fucking deserve it. Many of us here have had shitty circumstances in our life and right now the jew is making sure humanity has shitty outcomes. But you have the knowledge and power to change that. Defy the odds.

Do not be overly concerned with what others think of you. You do not need others to give self-worth. This is the mindset of the normies. Stay off kikebook and instakike as they just waste your time. (These apps are not real life anyway) If you want become to healthier there are plenty of knowledgeable members on this forum. I highly recommend doing Hatha and Kundalini yoga once a day.

Everyday strive to do just a little better, even the littlest shift will make a giant impact later on. How you do anything, is how you do everything. Your perception of your reality is what will determine if you make a better situation or stay in the same shitty one. If you feel fearful of change laugh it off and do what you need to do anyway. Enjoy your life and enjoy the changes you want to make.
 
vintageheart said:
I strongly recommend you don’t read if you don’t like vents. There is no pressure to reply whatsoever I just need somewhere to get my feelings off my chest.

My life has been utterly horrible lately. With quarantine in place, I feel like all of my humanity has been taken from me. Over quarantine, I graduated from high school, missed the prom I was supposed to have, and am now stuck at home taking college everyday. I have nobody to talk to anymore whatsoever, I lost all of my friends and can’t make anymore. I need to get a driver’s license and I know this is entirely on me/my fault but I can’t motivate myself to whatsoever. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. My room has become a disaster, I can barely be productive, and I have become addicted to video games when in the past I’d play them moderately. It’s a miserable existence. I used to go on walks everyday and I’m still dieting, but I stopped walks for awhile because my depression just consistently worsens and the pain is unbearable.

Over quarantine I have developed a severe case of body dysmorphia and have engaged in self harm. I’m slightly overweight for my height and age. I’m not fat, but my thighs are a little too thick and I have a small belly. My weight and body type bother me a very great deal even if my dad and others say it’s not that bad when I confront them about my feelings. I’m very self conscious and thankfully I have been dieting (even if I have cheated on occasions like my birthday, holidays, etc.), but I feel like I’ll never get anywhere. I always feel like I don’t even look human and like my worth is defined by my thinness; it’s especially bad as a woman society expects you to be beautiful 24/7 or else you’re worth nothing. On one occasion I posted a picture of myself on instagram and somebody made fun of my body. I felt horrible and took it down. I cried a lot and self harmed that night. I want to love myself or fix the problem or both but I just feel so worthless. What that person commented really deeply bothered me because, to me, it’s proving my insecurities true if somebody else can see it too. I’m 180 pounds and 5’7; about 35 pounds overweight or so, I think. My goal is to be 140 but I can barely motivate myself to work for it because I feel such a deep worthlessness.

I feel like my life has become so soulless, nothing excites me, nothing makes me happy, I’ve become such a numb version of myself, and I have lost all of my faith in the world. All over a fake virus and some Hebrew communist propaganda. I hate it all so much. All I even do is sit in a house anymore. I know it’s my fault because I can get my license any time but I have become so depressed and lazy. I just want to stop being so lazy because, before all of this started, I was so organized and hardworking. I was very happy with myself and life in general. Now I feel like I have nothing to live for and like all hope is gone.


This sounds very painful. Sadly the lockdown has affected many people, changed their lives, made them feel disoriented, and with lack of determination. This was one of the goals of the quarantine. The more you focus on this, the less you help yourself feel better. This is something that can be changed.

Create small goals. Start with cleasing yourself and room. If the energies are chaotic, you'll never feel like you can organize it. If cleaning your room seems impossible, start with a part of it. Clean and organize just your desk. When you finish you can decide If you want to continue to clean or not for now. And do this for every task that seems impossible to do. Break it down into smaller tasks.
As for the depressive symptoms, low bioelectricity causes them. Meditation raises our bioelectricity. Choose some meditations you feel like doing, and do them every day. Have in mind that you have to do them once a day, rather than think "I have to do them everyday" or something. Small goals. Reachable goals.  Clean, protection, meditation. And you'll see that the more you meditate, the more you'll be able to take away this fadedness, and you'll start feeling better and better and more in control.

Do a sun square for your self confidence and self esteem. You define your worth by your own actions, and not a person who says such things to you in order to make himself feel better. These are worthless people trying to make themselves feel they have power.
 
vintageheart said:
I strongly recommend you don’t read if you don’t like vents. There is no pressure to reply whatsoever I just need somewhere to get my feelings off my chest.

My life has been utterly horrible lately. With quarantine in place, I feel like all of my humanity has been taken from me. Over quarantine, I graduated from high school, missed the prom I was supposed to have, and am now stuck at home taking college everyday. I have nobody to talk to anymore whatsoever, I lost all of my friends and can’t make anymore. I need to get a driver’s license and I know this is entirely on me/my fault but I can’t motivate myself to whatsoever. I can’t motivate myself to do anything. My room has become a disaster, I can barely be productive, and I have become addicted to video games when in the past I’d play them moderately. It’s a miserable existence. I used to go on walks everyday and I’m still dieting, but I stopped walks for awhile because my depression just consistently worsens and the pain is unbearable.

Over quarantine I have developed a severe case of body dysmorphia and have engaged in self harm. I’m slightly overweight for my height and age. I’m not fat, but my thighs are a little too thick and I have a small belly. My weight and body type bother me a very great deal even if my dad and others say it’s not that bad when I confront them about my feelings. I’m very self conscious and thankfully I have been dieting (even if I have cheated on occasions like my birthday, holidays, etc.), but I feel like I’ll never get anywhere. I always feel like I don’t even look human and like my worth is defined by my thinness; it’s especially bad as a woman society expects you to be beautiful 24/7 or else you’re worth nothing. On one occasion I posted a picture of myself on instagram and somebody made fun of my body. I felt horrible and took it down. I cried a lot and self harmed that night. I want to love myself or fix the problem or both but I just feel so worthless. What that person commented really deeply bothered me because, to me, it’s proving my insecurities true if somebody else can see it too. I’m 180 pounds and 5’7; about 35 pounds overweight or so, I think. My goal is to be 140 but I can barely motivate myself to work for it because I feel such a deep worthlessness.

I feel like my life has become so soulless, nothing excites me, nothing makes me happy, I’ve become such a numb version of myself, and I have lost all of my faith in the world. All over a fake virus and some Hebrew communist propaganda. I hate it all so much. All I even do is sit in a house anymore. I know it’s my fault because I can get my license any time but I have become so depressed and lazy. I just want to stop being so lazy because, before all of this started, I was so organized and hardworking. I was very happy with myself and life in general. Now I feel like I have nothing to live for and like all hope is gone.

Once you get your license you might be able to drive yourself to some hiking trails. I used to weigh over 300 pounds, and a big part of my journey towards losing a lot of that involved hiking trails. I find it's so much more fun walking/running through those than on the streets. I also feel like I mysteriously have more stamina and energy when I'm on trails, like I can run so much longer. It's great, and I'd really recommend it if it's an option for you.

I also had a guy make fun of me one time after asking to see a picture of me, and it really hurt because I felt confident after all the work I had done. So I know how you feel a little bit, I think. I was surprised because it took more effort than I thought it would to convince myself that his opinion is stupid and doesn't rule me, but I did eventually.

For now just do what you can, and hug your body, trust in yourself, and know that it is doing its best for you. Trust in your ability to make things happen, and to keep going no matter what.

Also, ignore InsensitiveWhiteDouchebag. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
 
I re-read my message, and I realized that it may have come across differently than I intended. I want to clarify one part of it.
I also had a guy make fun of me one time after asking to see a picture of me, and it really hurt because I felt confident after all the work I had done. So I know how you feel a little bit, I think. I was surprised because it took more effort than I thought it would to convince myself that his opinion is stupid and doesn't rule me, but I did eventually."

I should have said "had someone make fun of me" instead of "a guy." It just happened to be a guy in my case. I also believe it may have come across like I assumed you were speaking about a romantic interest, and trying to relate to you on that, but that's not the case. Nor was it the case in my own experience, it was just a friend at the time and it really hurt when they reacted the way they did. Like they were utterly revolted by me. It's an awful experience.
 
You won't get anything from the razor blade.
Not only that, but If you lose it, in the best case you enter a ward.
In the worst one, you know it already.

You can't control that, the worst impetus, when it comes, or you open your eyes or you do stupid shit.
But you have power on yourself, and you deserve better than that, and you know that, no matter how low you've fallen, you always seek for life.

Do as I did, to get away from it. When you feel like that, take something and rip it, scream, go out and scream, instead of cutting the skin, why don't you paint it?
If you can't go out, and you have a bath, or a sink, fill it up and scream. A pillow, whatever.
It helps.

What matters is that you replace that with whatever you like, even music, especially meditation.
Try with void meditation, you can do it whenever you feel the urge.
Remember that pain, sadness= you cry and let it out, that's it.
The enemy likes to make you doubt of yourself, I know, but you don't have to let them in.

Instead of cutting, write on a paper why you need it, why you suffer like that, burn it.
And the best is to take care of yourself through cleaning, protection and healing.
JoS is the place for all this.
Don't give up on yourself, it is all you have, this body is what you need to be in Satan, or to see Him.
And don't enter depression, because it will take you away from anything.
Depression is not even an illness, it is total death when you don't fight it.

Believe me. And anyone feels guilty, after. Stop creating new scars, stop punishing yourself.
You don't want to love yourself now, but when you do, that's all you want.
If you don't love yourself, how will you love Satan and The Gods?


What healed me was just the fact of "Satan exists, so I have to, I need to see Him". It depends on you, but if you're sensitive, you just need to feel Him to get out of it.
Talk to Him, He's there, it helps. Talk to Him whenever you want to, and always show your love and respect.
If you feel it, it's best to make your Dedication. Buy just a black candle, an incense if you can, and go for it.

But as always, it is also important to talk. Call your friends, speak, express yourself. Seek help, there are help-lines, there are so many choices, but always be smart.

Look for yourself. Don't seek for death, death will die.
No matter that you tell yourself "they're not deep", I don't give a fuck. That's not good anyway.
Pain can't make you feel alive, pain never does.
Joy totally can. And so, Satan.

I am with you. Not only I.
 
In such phase of life, what is needed the most is persevarance.
Coming out of comfort zone little by little also helps.
As for the ones who said things about your general physical structure, know that there are much more important things in this life that you could focus on than some insignificant specks of dust.
Also, if you are already dedicated, then I would advise you to start meditating. It doesn't have to be for a longer period of time but it has to be daily and consistent.
Even 5-10 mins will do but it has to be every day.

Here's what I would advise you to do.
First and foremost, After you are done with reading this reply or done with the phone, sort out the room. Yes, sort it out.
The state of your room affects your mental health. Messy room makes your feel stuck or not so good but being in a clean room refreshes your mind and relaxes your soul.

Make your bed everytime you wake up. Thereafter, open your curtains. What this does is that it gives you a jumpstart on starting your day. This will fill you with morning energy and give you motivation.

Do not lie on the bed for longer durations other than to actually sleep or relax in your break time. The fastest way to cultivate depression is to lie on the bed and do nothing than. Doing nothing entails using mobile too. Doing nothing entails anything where you don't have to be focused or use much of your brainpower on.

Make a daily routine and be consistent in following it. This is also vital as it gives your soul some sort of purpose. It makes you actively engaged in something. Having breaks between productive sessions is also vital in order to give yourself some rest and boost efficiency regarding your work.

Eat healthy foods and do not forget to drink water. Cease using mobile 2 hrs before sleep to avoid blue light disturbing your sleep and if possible buy a warm light bulb to use in nighttime. Try to sleep before 11 PM for 8 hrs straight without any interruptions.

Lastly, about relapses, you might or might not end up going back to how you were before. I don't know so I can't exactly say for sure but do know that no matter how many times you relapse, never give up.
The more times you fall and the more times you get up after falling, the more strong you get. The more strong your soul gets. This is some form of cultivation of self. This does not mean that you deliberatey fall to get back up, that's stupidity, its about when you can't handle things well or if its overwhelming.

Take care.
 

Al Jilwah: Chapter IV

"It is my desire that all my followers unite in a bond of unity, lest those who are without prevail against them." - Satan

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