tabby
Active member
It's now well and truly past mine and my partner's first year anniversary of dedicating to Father Satan, and finding JoS. That day feels more like a life time ago than a year, honestly. I'd been scared at first, just coming out of an awful place and all that crap, haha even that feels closer to a bad dream now. Despite my fears and skepticism, I figured I'd already hit rock bottom and gone through shit and back, what's the worst that could happen at that point? I trusted my partner, I took a leap of faith and decided to see where it'd take me. To say I'm so fucking glad I did is a real understatement.
The amount you can learn in just a year is insane. You tend to make more mistakes than not at first, heck, I'm still stumbling around most days but life for once is looking really good. I feel blessed and positive. There's always an adjustment stepping into somewhere new and established. The first impression I had was like everyone were these spiritual all-stars, but as the year has gone, I've learned more deeply how very human we are here. Everyone has come from some sort of mess at some point, found themselves here and now are doing their best to grow and advance. From that there are definitely some amazing people developing, but to forget that we are people... people with lives, personalities, and emotions, memories etc, not just names behind a screen, is one of the bigger mistakes I've made the past year. We don't always know what we're doing or what we need to overcome the obstacles in our way, but we get there eventually and we're not alone. Sometimes we fuck up, shoot ourselves in the foot at the best and worst of times, make errors and poor judgments. Sometimes we hide behind our self-created masks because we're just not ready to see the real thing in the mirror yet.
I doubt my own displays of passionate arguing has won me any brownie points, but each time I learn a little more about what I need to do to heal and grow, what it means to be an SS, how to be real and whole, and be part of the people here and the Gods. I learn a little more of myself and of others, and I recognize now that everyone is trying to find their way and sometimes the path ahead and the answers we seek is more clear to some than others right now. Even that clearness can become foggy at times, but you push through and everything's alright again.
It's crazy how often your gut guides you. There's a tendency to second guess, think too much, even overthink and over analyse, become lost in the details of a situation, blinded by emotions and conditioned belief. But when I've listened to that nagging pull in my belly, everything falls into place and I get through the worst with fewer scratches than if I hadn't, I learn things I wouldn't have. It's those moments where it takes just a little too long to recognize the feeling, hear it, and respond to it in time, that things go haywire. I've down right ignored my gut at times and that is a fast ticket to getting hurt, hurting others, or failing. When I have listened, it's like time and events flow smoothly, and the pieces of the puzzle fit properly. In some cases it's pretty freaky how things become aligned and happen when needed. Sometimes I believe I'm being paranoid and worrying too much, but when I can't drop the feeling, I decide paranoia or whatever, my gut is smarter than my head right now. Low-and-behold, I'd feel the shift in my environment and future, and I'd dodge a bullet or set myself up for something really positive.
Magick, meditation, intuition, siddhis... these things used to be nothing short of fairy tales and bed time stories when I was growing up. I didn't even realise I still had a lacking faith and doubts if any of it could really work, despite having practiced in energy manipulation and psychic abilities for years prior. Some say believing is seeing or vice versa... this year has certainly shown me just what that really looks like. Believe to see, and see to believe. It's like a never ending cycle. Believing without doubt that what you do is working, you see the fruits of it, and your belief in your magick and abilities reinforces itself to be stronger for the next round. I guess that's why they call it miracles.
Though not everything can bring about a miracle. Some people don't want miracles. I think that is one of the more painful lessons I've learned this year, that not everyone is worth the time nor the energy. Not everyone should be put above your own needs and well-being. You see people be stuck and you want to help them, but they won't let you because they refuse to be better. I've struggled with incessant anxiety, slight insomnia, and fears. There are days it gets out of control and I make panicked decisions. I started closing off, thinking I just needed to be alone for a few hours just to introspect and ponder, and the feelings would be worked out. Turns out I had a toxic attachment with a relative. They're a manipulative person, driven by appearances, and controlling. For the longest time I never saw it, I thought it was normal the way the household had been run, and I was just the troublesome runt being a thorn in their side. Lately, I've felt their emotions towards me, their thoughts, and the hold they still held over me. That's when I decided, since they won't accept me, refuses to give either healing or closure, I need to find it myself. They're hindering my progress, and I can't allow that.
I closed the door on them (metaphorically and literally speaking). For the first time in a long while, I had a restful and peaceful nights sleep. Sometimes we believe everything that is hindering us and our forward momentum is our own self and inner issues, but sometimes it's not. It can be hard to find the root of a problem, and then there's those ones that pop up from unexpected places. I still get defensive at times when forced to do some thinking outside the box, some things are straight forward with simple answers, and some aren't, and you just got to open your mind to wider possibilities to really tackle a tough problem. People who have hurt you in the past and gained power over you can still hold that leash on you if it's never dealt with. Maybe one day that person will come around, but no sense in letting toxic energies fester unchecked on the possibilities of "maybe".
You go along and realise just how important it is to make yourself worth it. To say to yourself "I am important enough that I'll take care of myself, instead of hate and ruin and leave myself to decay." There's only one you. No one else has your unique print and energy. I once traded myself for something else, and I lost everything. Be nothing but who you're meant to be, because nothing else is worth it.
There's so much more, but I think if I tried writing it all I'd be here all day typing with a headache and severe case of sleep deprivation.
I haven't been myself for most of my first year here, that's not something that gives me any good feelings. I still have trouble remembering much of what's happened the past few years, it's all fractured and scattered everywhere in my head - I'm sure people know enough of the why's since I haven't been shy about my cult experience in previous comments. Heck, I'm still digging to find that girl I use to be and build her into something that I can be proud of. My rawest self that wasn't tainted and twisted by the hands of assholes. But she's there, I feel her now more than ever, and whatever had possessed me is long gone. I don't know how much of myself anyone has really seen here, I'm sure there's pieces around... I don't enjoy putting myself in the flow of anyone's crowd, but I just want to give my thanks and gratitude to everyone who has made JoS what it is, both the Gods and SS.
If not the knowledge of how to clean, protect, and direct ourselves... well I don't want to know where my partner and I would be right now. Quite frankly the "what if's" scare the shit out of me. I may not get along with people, I stick my head in where other's don't want it sometimes, and say what's on my mind even if it's random, awkward, or out of place... but I'm just happy to be your sister here, and I hope whatever the next years bring is nothing but wondrous advancement and learning, for every SS.
Hail Satan!
The amount you can learn in just a year is insane. You tend to make more mistakes than not at first, heck, I'm still stumbling around most days but life for once is looking really good. I feel blessed and positive. There's always an adjustment stepping into somewhere new and established. The first impression I had was like everyone were these spiritual all-stars, but as the year has gone, I've learned more deeply how very human we are here. Everyone has come from some sort of mess at some point, found themselves here and now are doing their best to grow and advance. From that there are definitely some amazing people developing, but to forget that we are people... people with lives, personalities, and emotions, memories etc, not just names behind a screen, is one of the bigger mistakes I've made the past year. We don't always know what we're doing or what we need to overcome the obstacles in our way, but we get there eventually and we're not alone. Sometimes we fuck up, shoot ourselves in the foot at the best and worst of times, make errors and poor judgments. Sometimes we hide behind our self-created masks because we're just not ready to see the real thing in the mirror yet.
I doubt my own displays of passionate arguing has won me any brownie points, but each time I learn a little more about what I need to do to heal and grow, what it means to be an SS, how to be real and whole, and be part of the people here and the Gods. I learn a little more of myself and of others, and I recognize now that everyone is trying to find their way and sometimes the path ahead and the answers we seek is more clear to some than others right now. Even that clearness can become foggy at times, but you push through and everything's alright again.
It's crazy how often your gut guides you. There's a tendency to second guess, think too much, even overthink and over analyse, become lost in the details of a situation, blinded by emotions and conditioned belief. But when I've listened to that nagging pull in my belly, everything falls into place and I get through the worst with fewer scratches than if I hadn't, I learn things I wouldn't have. It's those moments where it takes just a little too long to recognize the feeling, hear it, and respond to it in time, that things go haywire. I've down right ignored my gut at times and that is a fast ticket to getting hurt, hurting others, or failing. When I have listened, it's like time and events flow smoothly, and the pieces of the puzzle fit properly. In some cases it's pretty freaky how things become aligned and happen when needed. Sometimes I believe I'm being paranoid and worrying too much, but when I can't drop the feeling, I decide paranoia or whatever, my gut is smarter than my head right now. Low-and-behold, I'd feel the shift in my environment and future, and I'd dodge a bullet or set myself up for something really positive.
Magick, meditation, intuition, siddhis... these things used to be nothing short of fairy tales and bed time stories when I was growing up. I didn't even realise I still had a lacking faith and doubts if any of it could really work, despite having practiced in energy manipulation and psychic abilities for years prior. Some say believing is seeing or vice versa... this year has certainly shown me just what that really looks like. Believe to see, and see to believe. It's like a never ending cycle. Believing without doubt that what you do is working, you see the fruits of it, and your belief in your magick and abilities reinforces itself to be stronger for the next round. I guess that's why they call it miracles.
Though not everything can bring about a miracle. Some people don't want miracles. I think that is one of the more painful lessons I've learned this year, that not everyone is worth the time nor the energy. Not everyone should be put above your own needs and well-being. You see people be stuck and you want to help them, but they won't let you because they refuse to be better. I've struggled with incessant anxiety, slight insomnia, and fears. There are days it gets out of control and I make panicked decisions. I started closing off, thinking I just needed to be alone for a few hours just to introspect and ponder, and the feelings would be worked out. Turns out I had a toxic attachment with a relative. They're a manipulative person, driven by appearances, and controlling. For the longest time I never saw it, I thought it was normal the way the household had been run, and I was just the troublesome runt being a thorn in their side. Lately, I've felt their emotions towards me, their thoughts, and the hold they still held over me. That's when I decided, since they won't accept me, refuses to give either healing or closure, I need to find it myself. They're hindering my progress, and I can't allow that.
I closed the door on them (metaphorically and literally speaking). For the first time in a long while, I had a restful and peaceful nights sleep. Sometimes we believe everything that is hindering us and our forward momentum is our own self and inner issues, but sometimes it's not. It can be hard to find the root of a problem, and then there's those ones that pop up from unexpected places. I still get defensive at times when forced to do some thinking outside the box, some things are straight forward with simple answers, and some aren't, and you just got to open your mind to wider possibilities to really tackle a tough problem. People who have hurt you in the past and gained power over you can still hold that leash on you if it's never dealt with. Maybe one day that person will come around, but no sense in letting toxic energies fester unchecked on the possibilities of "maybe".
You go along and realise just how important it is to make yourself worth it. To say to yourself "I am important enough that I'll take care of myself, instead of hate and ruin and leave myself to decay." There's only one you. No one else has your unique print and energy. I once traded myself for something else, and I lost everything. Be nothing but who you're meant to be, because nothing else is worth it.
There's so much more, but I think if I tried writing it all I'd be here all day typing with a headache and severe case of sleep deprivation.
I haven't been myself for most of my first year here, that's not something that gives me any good feelings. I still have trouble remembering much of what's happened the past few years, it's all fractured and scattered everywhere in my head - I'm sure people know enough of the why's since I haven't been shy about my cult experience in previous comments. Heck, I'm still digging to find that girl I use to be and build her into something that I can be proud of. My rawest self that wasn't tainted and twisted by the hands of assholes. But she's there, I feel her now more than ever, and whatever had possessed me is long gone. I don't know how much of myself anyone has really seen here, I'm sure there's pieces around... I don't enjoy putting myself in the flow of anyone's crowd, but I just want to give my thanks and gratitude to everyone who has made JoS what it is, both the Gods and SS.
If not the knowledge of how to clean, protect, and direct ourselves... well I don't want to know where my partner and I would be right now. Quite frankly the "what if's" scare the shit out of me. I may not get along with people, I stick my head in where other's don't want it sometimes, and say what's on my mind even if it's random, awkward, or out of place... but I'm just happy to be your sister here, and I hope whatever the next years bring is nothing but wondrous advancement and learning, for every SS.
Hail Satan!