**: Please be compassionate I’m going through a lot and can’t handle anything.
Okay, guys now I really know I need help.
I will also try therapy but I need your advice and help.
I have BPD, I never usually tell anyone this but I’m in a very dire place that I really NEED HELP.
It just fucked up a major relationship of mine that meant a lot to me.
I don’t understand why I’m like this I think there’s something seriously wrong with me and I can’t help it. It’s a never ending cycle that hurts beyond imagination.
I was doing well then suddenly I was triggered by the other person’s actions, got extremely jealous, and angry, and afraid, and I ended up writing a long ass message for a small action that shouldn’t have ended up like this then I blocked the other person. I could have done so much better.
I was aware of what I was doing and that it had consequences that’s the scary part, but I was still in survival mode which pushed me to take this impulsive action, I was not thinking clearly. It was an episode, it is hard to explain.
Then I unblocked them a week later they were furious and hated me and I wish I just could undo it all. I don’t understand what I’ve done.
Now I can’t sleep, function, eat, or work because of the guilt that I ruined it all and that I lost this person who was the most important to me. I don’t understand why I did this, it was a mistake, I was just afraid, I was in panic mode and I’ve been hurting for way too long and I felt all alone, and I was fucking scared.
I had a cruel and weak father who was violent against me and hurt me then left us and I had been bullied by friends and all the people I cared about then they left me too, then I was manipulated in relationships then abandoned, and I FEEL EVERYTHING.
My emotions are so intense they scare me. I don’t feel happy, I become happiness.
I don’t feel sad, I become the sadness.
I don’t feel love, I merge with the person they become my whole life and it fucking hurts.
My body, soul, and mind are hurting and I don’t know how to escape myself I just feel like I want to die.
Why did I have to fall in love? Why did I have hope? It always ends this fucking way and I end up ruining everything.
Can you guys please help me? I don’t know how to escape myself or the pain. I ruined everything, the memories, the good parts, and all my efforts and love were just down the drain. I lost everything. I hate myself so fucking much and that’s another problem too why do I hate myself, I know that’s not good and it’s unhealthy but I don’t know how to stop hating myself.
I’m sorry for sounding so unstable but I’m really dying here..
@Voice of Enki [TG] @Centralforce666 @Blitzkreig [TG] @HPS Lydia @Hp. Zevios Metathronos @april @Alexandros Iowno [TG]
One way to break this cycle is to catch and regulate your emotions before they explode. We cannot totally control other people, but we can control ourselves. Therefore, if someone does something that makes you jealous, you can catch yourself here and calm yourself.
The emotion of jealousy, in my opinion, stems from a perception of powerlessness, and powerlessness can arise when people forget their own strengths. For some reason, you felt like you could not handle what that person did, so you attempted to "destroy" them, but if you felt that you could handle it in some way, you would not have felt as threatened in the first place.
The situation of a weak father or other relational abuse can train us to think, subconsciously or otherwise, that these sort of aggressive and pre-emptive attacks and other controlling behaviors are needed and acceptable, but we have to push against this, because any bad behavior influences how people view and interact with us. It is like your "informal" level of authority as a person.
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Although it may seem paradoxical, high levels of sensitivity can lead to control, because you already have the yin part of the "equation of materialization". If you are able to introduce some yang action or feelings to this situation, this combines to create magickal control over this situation, which then manifests in changes either to your own mood, or the situation at large.
It takes time and probably more masculine development on your end, but you can develop magickal confidence over these situations. An easy way to start is to tune into your emotions when you are upset. "Grasp" the strong feeling within you and see it like churning and angry waters.
Then, imagine and will that they are calming and releasing what you were afraid of. You may not even know exactly what made you upset, but know that it is normal for emotions to cycle, process, and release. This "function" exists in your soul naturally, but you can apply it at will to intentionally resolve negative feelings before they explode outward.
Because our inner state reflects outward, you can also know that once your inner state has calmed, the situation has calmed outside of you, too. That does not mean that the situation has disappeared, for example, but it is now "under control", just like how other smaller situations in your life are under control.
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The above may seem too good to be true, but it does work and it will work better as you continue to practice it. Further, it is necessary because calming down is the first step in fixing a situation. If your emotions are screaming that the situation cannot be fixed, then other actions are much less likely to succeed. You have to first resolve the internal obstacle that prevents you from perceiving success as possible.
Conceptually, you can imagine this as like turning back the "spiral". Where you felt a multi-step worsening of the situation, now at that point where "everything is lost", is like the negative undoing or spiral out of control. However, you can reverse this by willful emotional control, which will then make you feel you feel more stable and able to succeed again.
Stage 5 Panic of "everything is over" now becomes Stage 4 "I made a big mistake, but I can at least eat"
Stage 4 Panic can then be calmed to "I made a mistake, but I can at least sleep and work"
Stage 3 can then become "I made a mistake, but I don't feel like such a bad person anymore"
At any point you feel a sense of fear, it is possible to resolve this and obtain what you think could not happen, or at least obtain what your soul was capable of doing previously. For example, you had maintained the relationship with this person before, and you had done work before, and so on, so it is all there, but you have to allow yourself to feel capable of achieving that again.
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